A Good Day (Minus Neck Weakness)

After a good ‘restart day’ yesterday, I am back to feeling content. Today I went out for breakfast at ‘Morrisons’’ Cafe and enjoyed a baby chino and cooked English breakfast. Afterwards I went back into the car to wait until my family bought me my pizza of choice from the ‘make your own pizza’ section – an essential for me who doesn’t like cheese on pizza-

-What can I say I’m autistic.

As well as other goodies for this evenings. Being out of the house, living life in any capacity -especially getting a nice meal! – is beneficial like never before as it makes me realise that when I get better, I have a lot to look forward to.

Last night my OCD was bad with intrusive thoughts and insecure worries that ‘everyone hates me including my family’, but after getting a bit of reassurance from family and a nice Goodnight text message – I happily went to bed and have been undisturbed with self-esteem issues and fears since.

When I got home (after walking up the dreaded house steps) I had a rest on my chair and then proceeded to do my task for the day: printing off some photographs.

I did print them off. I did get my printer out of the cupboard and I did manage to achieve my goal. The problem is I am currently laying on my bed with my materials still on the carpet because my neck felt like it was so fragile it could snap off.

I know that if I wait awhile my neck will recover and I’ll be able to move again – at least move enough to clean away the floor – but there’s something undeniably discombobulating about seeing myself in the mirror unable to move without feeling as though I’m going to go headfirst into my bedside table.

I had to text my Mum and ask her to come and clean it up for me. Part of you wonders when you send such a text at 19 years old whether or not your parents think your at it. I wish I was at it so to speak. Then I could get out of it and carry on with my life. Gratefully my parents have been very understanding and helpful and I am lucky.

Overall today has been very positive. I enjoyed my trip out and am very excited to tuck into my pizza, Coka cola and jelly tots tonight. It is my ‘shower night’ (I shower every second day) tonight which does make me feel apprehensive and nervous. Having a shower has become a battle between me and my body. I usually end up nearly falling over and taking hours to get ready. Despite my neck issues and the nervousness for my shower I definitely count today as a positive.

Restart Day

Today was my Restart Day where I tried to get myself sorted both in terms of my mood and my OCD/autism.

I feel a lot more positive about my life. I no longer feel ‘contaminated’ and no longer feel like anything is ruined by me. It’s not the same thing as giving into my OCD, more like appreciating that there are correlations between what I myself feel comfortable with due to my autism and a harmful coping mechanism. I will do a blog post in the future exploring this further.

For dinner my Mum made me gammon steak (which she cut up into strips) to allow me to eat easier. It was really nice and despite the chewing causing my jaw to still be tired – it was an improvement that allowed me to actually enjoy my meal! The frustration of being unable to gobble up my food, rather than spend hours at the meal table, was still there, but my overall happy attitude made all this seem inconsequential and I enjoyed my dinner.

Tomorrow my Mum is taking me and my sister to Morrisons cafe for breakfast and I’m very much looking forward to this.

It has been a success but of course I’m still feeling funny. My OCD is not brilliant but it is by no means the state it was yesterday and the day before that. I also still am finding my mobility a problem. I went out to the car today for a trip down the shops (although I didn’t go into the shop) and back which was good but I also struggled to get up off the toilet earlier this evening. It’s swings and roundabouts in terms of progress.

Perhaps my new anxiety is also due to my officially deferring from university for another year and all this floating anxiety is, at least in part, caused by the consequent sadness. It’s a bittersweet feeling that is also weighed down by my inevitable tiredness from lack of sleep over the last few days. If anyone has any experience with autism spectrum disorder/mental health problems/etc you’ll know that the chemical equation:

Lack of sleep + OCD/Insert condition —> Disaster

I am keeping myself collected and calm as much as I’m able and I hope that tomorrow after a good night sleep, I’ll find it even easier tomorrow.

My FND Journey So Far

My GP then suggested I may have Functional Neurological Disorder. I was then referred to the hospital for Neuro-physiotherapy. His thought was that the Vitamin B12 deficiency had caused my symptoms and my nervous system has gotten mixed up with how to send and receive signals to my body even when I’m no longer deficient in Vitamin B12.

Read More...

Best Day Of The Year So Far (2022)

Dear Diary,

Today is the 3rd of January and I’m back from meeting up with my friend from high school who is currently at university. It was great seeing her and finding out all about her experience at university aswell as catching up.

The best part was that I felt happy. I’d made an effort this morning to wash my face, make my hair look pretty, wear jewellery and accessories aswell as wearing my nice clothes – which felt so good! I feel less misery-guts and seeing someone outside of my family after being stuck indoors with my B12 deficiency for the past months. I still needed to use my walking stick and I fell over at one point onto the pavement after loosing my balance but it was really nice.

It has made me much more positive and I feel much more tolerant in dealing with sensory problems and less irritable when it comes to family members who have gotten on my nerves for simply existing, a phenomenom which has afflicted thousands during the first lockdowns.

For the past few months I’ve sat by the phone awaiting a call from my G.P and co. like a clingy highschool girlfriend awaiting a call from a crush that’s just not that into her; so it was nice chatting to a friend for a change.

Things are not 100% good with me just yet though. My fall today was bad but not as bad as falling into the staircase wall and cracking my head on Christmas Eve or not being able to get up from a beanbag yesterday. I’m going to have to chase up the medical practice again and listen to that God-awful jingle they play whilst you’re on hold.

There’s Something Wrong With My Leg

Dear Diary,

A few months ago I realised that my legs (especially the right leg) were weaker than usual. It was annoying at first but mostly dismissible. However it has been getting much worse and over the last few weeks I’ve gone from not being able to go on walks with my family to being completely unable to walk down the street or work.

It’s frustrating to say the least as all I want is answers to what is wrong. I look at people walking and now can’t believe the physics – “how are they doing that?” I think when seeing people walk up slight hills or stairs. Nothing in my body hurts nor are my reflexes poor but that makes it all the more perplexing.

I was supposed to have a schedule. Finish work and then clean my room, get my driving license and then start writing more often as well as doing more hobbies. I wanted to be more independent and more self-sufficient.

However having to pause multiple times whilst simply going up and down my home’s staircase; suffice to say, does not line up with that plan. My autism wants to be better and is angry that I can’t do things. My autism and OCD are only manageable when I am both well rested and healthy.

I have to be rested mentally and physically to function as a normal human being. I have to be healthy in order to function as a normal human being. Having unexplained symptoms that I’m going to have to wait at least five weeks to be diagnosed is not congruent of functioning as my best self.

Every single day is so hard. I’m trying to drown out the OCD fear, the autism-ness and the depression constantly whilst being asked to function as a normal human being and do simple basic shit like clean my sink. Having a health problem adding to that is even more hard.

After my appointment with the doctor today (who was lovely) I have to get a blood test in a few weeks time but he was unable to give me advice other than “take it easy, do what you can and then a little bit more and if that makes things worse, ease off and let us know if the problems get worse.”

I have a driving theory test to go to in early November but I think I may have to delay that as I have no idea how worse this is going to get until then. I don’t think I should be going to driving lessons either as my right leg is obviously the one that controls the clutch and it would put a lot of strain on it.

I’ve been worried about my appointment for days and I’ve barely brushed my hair. I’ve been “contaminated” (giving into my OCD by avoiding the things I like) all week, somehow thinking that after my appointment the cause of my leg weakness would be discovered and treated by some medication I need to take twice daily for a fortnight. I thought after today I’d get to go and shower and “restarting” and being “uncontaminated”.

However I’m currently sitting in my dressing gown feeling sensory overload over the skin and oils on my face and back – upset that I can’t go to the shops and buy myself a bag of chips.

That’s MY Thing! – Feeling Territorial Over ‘Having Problems’ And The Embarrassing Reality Of Being Jealous That You Are Not The ONLY One In Your Life Who Has Similar Problems

Feeling like you are the only one feeling a certain way is awful; but the complex feelings that develop when you learn that some people close to you, outside of the people you know through your disorder, also may have similar issues, can be complicated to process.

Dear Diary,

Perhaps the most strange of feelings is the realisation that your wish of being accepted by the people you knew before your diagnosis is trumped by your misplaced-irritation at no longer being unique.

I spent so long subconciously treating my OCD, depression, anxiety and autism as my defining traits, which for all the time I’ve spent sad, anxious and doing compulsions – is understandable. Everything that was wrong with me has become the very thing that defines me. I am the one with issues. I am the one who has had to deal with mental health struggles and I am the one who has a messed-up brain.

The problem with thinking like this is the fact that in my misplaced jealousy about my so-called soul defining characteristic – the thing that only I have – is not exclusive to me.

You spend so long annoyed about being different and being a certain way that you begin to view it as the only thing about you that matters; that it’s the one thing that makes you different and special – even if it’s for what you percieve to be a bad reason.

When you meet like-minded people through your disorder/s it feels like it is something away seperate from your day-to-day life and those you know previous to the diagnosis are in a seperate ‘box’ so to speak. That is not real life though. People who are alike end up finding each other, or knowing each other anyway because that’s how life works. Things can never be kept completely seperate and that is the reason for so many good things. If sections of our life never interlapped no-one would ever have friends or have relationships in anyway.

The reality of the situation is that just because other people I may know have their own struggles and challenges to overcome, it doesn’t make my challenges and achievements any less important. The only thing that you can do is support the people in your life who have done the same to you and continue to make the most out of your life. One person’s struggle does not make another’s less important and feeling territorial over certain ‘problems’ doesn’t help.

It may feel weird to realise that your not quite as different to the people you have known for years as you thought you were; but just maybe it will ecourage you to be kinder to yourself. Afterall the people you care about are not defective or wrong – so many it’s about time you stop viewing yourself as such.

Blood and Ash Book 1 & 2 Spoiler Review | Rated: *

As usual this review will contain spoilers and I do not hate the author or anyone who enjoyed these two books. If you enjoyed this book – that is great, I however would like a refund.

I’m not even going to attempt to summerise these two books because I have neither the energy nor comprehension to understand what I have just read.

After reading “To Kill A Kingdom” I was looking to read some fantasy without the cringe of Lira and that other guy’s romance. I was wanting some good angst, plot and romance and I decided to give this series a go after reading a review saying it was dark.

I know realise that the “dark” aspect was not from tension, angst, stakes and character developments, but from the empty hole these books leave in your soul. Like a slow-acting poison the first book starts off promising (maybe a little flowery with the description but that’s something I can try to ignore) and with an interesting enough concept. And then just when you think that midway the annoying hint of cringeness that happens is the worst that it would get; – the ending of the first book and the entirity of the second, takes a full 180 and it becomes, excuse my language, a fucking mess.

Poppy as a character was extremely confusing. First of all the whole ‘Maiden’ thing makes no sense especially after learning the truth to the situation. Her behaviour and personality in the first book was somewhat more consistent despite being erratic at times. I found some of her naivity to be really uncomefortable when it came to her relationship with Hawke/Casteel because it felt like she was remarkably vulnerable despite the ‘strong independent woman’ message I think the author was trying to portray. Her behaviour in the second was literally insane and it made the less-believable aspects of her character in book 1 look even more jarring. Her relationship with Tawny and arguably the Duchess (I obviously did not think the Duchess was a good person but I was very much interested in her character and relationship to Poppy) which made their absence from the second book (minus the Duchess for a few pages near the end) greatly affect the way I saw her character. Tawny and Poppy’s friendship was a highlight of the first book for me and I only really realised it in the second book when Tawny was absent.

I especially hated Poppy’s inner monolouges which were annoyingly similar, albiet worse than the ones in “To Kill A Kingdom”. Poppy seemed to say the most cringe-worthy things that made me roll my eyes numerous times (especially in the second book) and it got old fast.

There was something annoying about the subtle rip-off moments that felt just that bit too like other books. The glowing of Poppy when she did her gift, the characters who were copy and pasted from other books and even the name “The Dark One” after watching Netflix’s Shadow and Bone based on a book series struck a nerve too.

Let’s talk about Hawke/Casteel/Cas. What a goddamn mess of a character. He starts off a semi-interesting, well-developed character until near the end of the book before the betrayal is revealed where he says “I’m so unworthy of you” to Poppy and I nearly vomitted in my mouth due to the cringe. Then when he betrays her as he planned all along you get the impression not that he some sort of attractive bad guy as I think was intended, but that he illogical. That’s the only word that springs to mind when I read that he was the traitor all along or whatever “huh? that’s illogical.”

At the end of the first book and the whole of the second I get horrible Rowan from the Throne of Glass series and Rhysand from the ‘A Court Of Thorns And Roses’ trilogy vibes from Casteel/Hawke. The ‘banter’ between Poppy and Casteel was agonisingly repetitive and I swear parahraphs were copied and pasted muliple times.

Casteel saying he “put the fun in disfunctional” is line that will haunt me to the day I die. When I suffle from this mortal coil – I will still cringe at the thought that this line was not cut from a fantasy new adult novel. Other moments such as “does my face look surprised?” and “random!” were words I did not want in the book and that’s only the tip of the cringe ice-berg.

Despite my harsh words there is a confession I must make. I read the first book from start to finish never so much as skimming a sentence. I had my full attention on the story as I did with th second book until one word was read that made me lose hope in humanity. It gave me Vietnam war flashbacks to ACOTAR and TOG. And that word was “Heartmates” and after that line all bets were off. I skimmed the rest grateful that I was no longer wasting another moment of my precious time on this Earth.

Anyway thank you for reading this review and I hope you have a wonderful day. Take care!

-Medusa

To Kill A Kingdom Book Review – SPOILERS

Warning if you have not read the book and do not wished to be spoiled please do not keep reading!

I’ve just finished the book mere minutes ago and I have a lot of thoughts about it so I’m going to skip the summary as I’ll assume that those who read this review have also read the book.

Honestly this book disappointed me quite a bit. It’s by no means a terrible book but it by no means lived up to my expectations based on the synopsis. The first half of the book I enjoyed, though it had it’s flaws retrospectively, they didn’t interfere with my enjoyment of the story. Unfortunately for the last half of the book, it’s a different situation. The pacing is wrong, the writing becomes more like Netflix romcom dialouge rather than banter between characters ( to the extent that I was cringing! ) and glaring failures in the overall characterisation of Elian and the rest become more and more noticeable

In the first few chapters, the set-up to Lira was great. Our understanding of the Sea Queen and her politics was poor ( unfortunately that never really changed other than when the book chose to simply inform us that the sea is ruled through the Queen’s forced loyalty ) but I believed that the lore would be further explained so I bit the bullet and embraced the unknown. The set-up to Elian was less great, we hear he loves killing sirens and all but what the guy loves to do more than anything is ramble on about how much he loves the ocean, still I continued with the story fascinated by the premise.

Halfway through the story, things suddenly felt different. Lira was coming up with more random self-descoveries than an internet phycology quiz spits out in a day. Her behaviour went from ruthless killer to “I love being part of my pirate family” WAY too quickly to the point where it undermined her character and the story. Lira’s sudden realisation that humans are good and that she hates her mother were so random and plot-convenient that it actually annoyed me. Lira and Elian’s relationship was interesting until the cheesiest moments in history started happening ruining the dark tones of the first chapter and setting the story up to become more and more corny.

The romance in this book should be good and the fact that it’s not is really disappointing. Instead of getting a complex dynamic between killer siren princess and ruthless siren-murderer prince we got two teenagers playing dress-up in pirate clothes. Elian needed to be grittier and darker, not just a plot device so that Lira could go “humans are nice”. Her apathy to his killing of one of her subjects, was not out of character for Lira, but Elians’s sudden remorse for Maeve was ridiculous coming from a chracter that is supposed to be a ruthless siren killer – this also ruined the lesson of Elian having to change the way he thought because he was clearly already unsure of himself. The minute that Elian finds out Lira is a siren the dialouge becomes painfully immature and the stakes of her keeping it a secret are made basically redundant as it takes him mere pages to be TOTALLY 100% FINE WITH HER BEING THE THING HE HAS DEDICATED HIS LIFE TO KILL. Lira and Elian’s ‘we’re the same’ comments got old fast too.

I could rant about how we learned nothing about the sirens other than the mention of a couple of them, how the ending was really unsatisfactory and how the final battle was boring but I won’t go into too much detail. The life of a siren is barely touched upon in terms of their culture and their day to day lives and I would be surprised is anyone would be convinced that the Saad crewmates were supposed to be hardened pirates when they are simply goofballs. The plot points of having a heart being a source of a siren’s power is never touched upon after a brief mention and the character’s make the most plot convenient realisations ever.

No hate to the author as it is still a fine book to read – it just could have been amazing with some changes. All in all this book was frustrating and disappointing but the brilliant concept is worth noting. I think the author shows real talent and promise but this book feels too rushed and unsure of itself. I do look forward to reading more books from her in the future though.

Rating out of 5: * * *

Day Off Work!

Dear Diary,

I had today and yesterday off work and tomorrow off as well meaning that I’ve had a lot of spare time to get stressed, overthink, scare myself with horror movies and stressfully over-analyse every social interaction I’ve had all day – all of which is not good! Today however my Mum bought me a lovely Garnet ring from a lovely lady selling them from a stall and it made my day!

Having a few days off is essential to stop me or anyone else burning out of stress and over exhaustion, but it leads to other problems such as not being busy. Working leaves no time for OCD, overthinking and ruminating but working too often and frequently leads to burn outs and depression. It’s finding that balance that’s important.

Even now as I write this I’m feeling like throwing my phone across the room – not because I’m angry but because I’m overtired and don’t know if what I’m writing is me or some role I feel the need to play.

Anyway, me and my mother came across a stall and there were beautiful pieces of jewellery on display for great prices and my Mum asked if I wanted one! At first I couldn’t decide which one to go for but very quickly my ring caught my eye. The lady told me it was a garnet stone and I tried it on. She gave me a discount and it was so kind of her.

My ring is lovely and I’m going to wear it tomorrow to my sisters 16th birthday dinner! Thanks Mum. X

My new garnet ring!💍

Back From Holiday Blues x 10

Dear Diary,

I’m back from my holiday and I have got my new iPhone 12 mini using my first pay-cheque. I’m not feeling good though; I feel like I want to scream and smash things and cry.

I returned home from Alton Towers and struggled to sleep only to then lie-in until midday. I can’t touch my new iPhone all that often because my OCD is appalling. I don’t want to be at home and I don’t want to be at work. I feel like smashing my laptop and running away. Little comments today have been making me really upset and I’m angry at everyone. I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m tired of being like this.

I just want my brain to stop for five minutes but it won’t. I want the weather to cool down so that it’s easier to sleep and I want to stop feeling troubled by my middle ear problems. I want to not worry about how wrong everything feels – because it does! Everything feels so wrong and I can’t explain why. My OCD is terrible and I’m feeling so bad.

It’s hilarious that I work and stay busy but it inevitably ends up causing me to burn-out and yet when I have time-off I can’t cope with the lack of routine. If I’m busy I have no time to clean my room and do other tasks and when I’m completely free I’m lost on what to do (especially when I’ve already wasted half the day.)

I fucking hate my mind and I just want things to feel right.