Today is the 3rd of January and I’m back from meeting up with my friend from high school who is currently at university. It was great seeing her and finding out all about her experience at university aswell as catching up.
The best part was that I felt happy. I’d made an effort this morning to wash my face, make my hair look pretty, wear jewellery and accessories aswell as wearing my nice clothes – which felt so good! I feel less misery-guts and seeing someone outside of my family after being stuck indoors with my B12 deficiency for the past months. I still needed to use my walking stick and I fell over at one point onto the pavement after loosing my balance but it was really nice.
It has made me much more positive and I feel much more tolerant in dealing with sensory problems and less irritable when it comes to family members who have gotten on my nerves for simply existing, a phenomenom which has afflicted thousands during the first lockdowns.
For the past few months I’ve sat by the phone awaiting a call from my G.P and co. like a clingy highschool girlfriend awaiting a call from a crush that’s just not that into her; so it was nice chatting to a friend for a change.
Things are not 100% good with me just yet though. My fall today was bad but not as bad as falling into the staircase wall and cracking my head on Christmas Eve or not being able to get up from a beanbag yesterday. I’m going to have to chase up the medical practice again and listen to that God-awful jingle they play whilst you’re on hold.
It’s midnight as I write this and I’m snacking on chocolate M&M’s. Today has been a mixed day to be honest. Two days ago I made a decision to tidy up my bedroom and start putting an effort into my appearance/cleanliness/etc – basically I am trying to get out of my cycle of depression.
It has been going mostly well, even though a hotdog I was eating from the garage had a hair in it, causing me to freak out. My health is better – although I won’t be walking to the shops any time soon as I still get tired very easily.
However the doctor still hasn’t called me to tell me what I should be doing now. I’m a lot better sure, but what’s the reason for my previous ill-health and how do I stop it from happening again? I fear that because I’m better than I was that these questions will go unanswered for a while.
I haven’t been to a driving lesson in ages due to my ill-health and feel uncomfortable resuming them until I can guarentee that this will not happen again. I’m terrified about university next year, I’m terrified about what I’m supposed to do with myself for the next few months and I feel very lost.
When I wake up tired in the morning and have nothing planned for the day (especially when other people are also asleep) I struggle to find the urgency to get up. When I know I’m going shopping for food with my Mum, visiting my grandparents or going out to breakfast I have a purpose but most days I just feel like there is nothing to look forward to.
This is an obvious problem as one cannot do something exciting every single day and chores seem non-urgent enough to not get myself out of bed at a quick pace.
Being miserable and depressed is a lot easier than trying to help yourself. Helping yourself get out of a misery pattern requires facing all the things that you want to avoid and actively trying to find solutions to your problems and negative feelings which is tiring and scary.
Feeling like you are the only one feeling a certain way is awful; but the complex feelings that develop when you learn that some people close to you, outside of the people you know through your disorder, also may have similar issues, can be complicated to process.
Perhaps the most strange of feelings is the realisation that your wish of being accepted by the people you knew before your diagnosis is trumped by your misplaced-irritation at no longer being unique.
I spent so long subconciously treating my OCD, depression, anxiety and autism as my defining traits, which for all the time I’ve spent sad, anxious and doing compulsions – is understandable. Everything that was wrong with me has become the very thing that defines me. I am the one with issues. I am the one who has had to deal with mental health struggles and I am the one who has a messed-up brain.
The problem with thinking like this is the fact that in my misplaced jealousy about my so-called soul defining characteristic – the thing that only I have – is not exclusive to me.
You spend so long annoyed about being different and being a certain way that you begin to view it as the only thing about you that matters; that it’s the one thing that makes you different and special – even if it’s for what you percieve to be a bad reason.
When you meet like-minded people through your disorder/s it feels like it is something away seperate from your day-to-day life and those you know previous to the diagnosis are in a seperate ‘box’ so to speak. That is not real life though. People who are alike end up finding each other, or knowing each other anyway because that’s how life works. Things can never be kept completely seperate and that is the reason for so many good things. If sections of our life never interlapped no-one would ever have friends or have relationships in anyway.
The reality of the situation is that just because other people I may know have their own struggles and challenges to overcome, it doesn’t make my challenges and achievements any less important. The only thing that you can do is support the people in your life who have done the same to you and continue to make the most out of your life. One person’s struggle does not make another’s less important and feeling territorial over certain ‘problems’ doesn’t help.
It may feel weird to realise that your not quite as different to the people you have known for years as you thought you were; but just maybe it will ecourage you to be kinder to yourself. Afterall the people you care about are not defective or wrong – so many it’s about time you stop viewing yourself as such.
Being a grown-up is a hell of a lot less fun than I expected.
I’m back writing on my laptop in my dressing gown and drinking a blackcurrent fruit shoot – mind racing a million miles an hour.
I’m trying to locate the cause or reasoning behind this nagging uneasiness I’m feeling and have yet to come to a conclusion. I’m probably embarrased and stressed out that I vommitted at work; I’m probably worried about going back to work in five or so days; I’m probably worried about my theory test and the content I need to learn by then and various other fears; And yet none seem to be the root cause.
I feel like I’m waiting to go back to school at some point and fall back into the routine of being a high-schooler. I’m waiting to be plucked from my new life as a working adult and placed back to where I truly belong, the place I was for most of my life.
Perhaps it’s being off work that is confusing me – (although this week off was desperately needed.) Maybe I’m feeling discombobulated about not following my routine as I have nowhere I need to be. My physical health is very poor; I can’t even walk to my Dad’s car without being extremely out of breath. I may stand still for hours upon hours at work, walking on even-flooring and walking quick short distances and back but these days I can’t walk down the high-street without repeatedly stopping for breath. In my entire life I have never felt this physically unfit.
Whatever the reason; I am lost and not sure where to go from here. I feel like a child playing dress-up, missing the carefree-ness of being a high-schooler (though high-school in on itself wasn’t exactly carefree) and I am scared of being given time to myself.
Food is still bothering me. Textures and hard bits in meats are causing me great discomfort and upset. My OCD is not great; I’m opting to not care about my appearance out of depression and not trying to make myself feel better by wearing my favourite clothes or accessorise.
I guess you could say I’m in limbo. I’m unsure of what to do and anticipating disaster and so are not doing anything productive or beneficial. I’m reluctant to start challenging my OCD or making myself feel better because I feel so damn tired. The idea of redecorating the house before a tornado strikes feels pointless so to speak. I’m just waiting for my tornado – and a tornado will always, always come – in a run-down shack instead of enjoying whatever time I have left in a cozy cottage so to speak.
I’ve been having what I think are sensory problems.
My back, face and neck particularly are a soruce of great distress for me at the moment. My back feels especially uncomfortable and it being at a place that I can’t see and touch without a back scratcher or a mirror is only adding to this.
It feels like my back as little scabs on it (it doesn’t) and I can’t “stop it”.
Of course some of this may be due to the fact that I get a lot of acne but even even if I don’t have it bad or it’s not painful – I feel really uncomfortable and distressed.
So over the last few days I’ve been really, really struggling with myself and my sadness but I’m doing better today and this is mainly due to some advice on of the pupil support teachers gave me. I was recommended to contact my autism support and I did, sending an email in my lunch hall and asking for advice/support.
I we since doing that I’ve felt a lot better, very tired after crying for twenty minutes, but better nonetheless.
I’m going to try and get on with my day and enjoy my birthday on Saturday.