Health Fears | Awaiting Blood Test Results

Note: These are fears to do with my physical health. Most likely I have nothing too serious. I don’t want to seem overdramatic or like I’m making light of serious conditions.

Dear Diary,

I’m realy scared.

I probably shouldn’t be; there is no true cause for panic yet. Doctors are confused but not extremely concerned – so it’s clearly nothing too dramatic; And yet I’m still scared.

A few months ago I noticed that my legs (mostly my right leg) was getting tired far quicker than usual. Throughout my life I’ve always taken longer and gotten tireder faster than everyone in my family- be it walking around a city centre or climbing up Ben Nevis. This was different though; My Dad grew concerned when upon a visit to Edinburgh I could barely manage to walk across Princes Street. I was stopping frequently because my legs were too weak. It had never been this noticeable before. I could convince myself that I was just lazy or unfit (even when I was struggling to do the everyday walk to the shops that takes ten minutes and that I’ve been able to do no matter how exhausted ) but when my Dad noticed then I admitted that I’d see a doctor.

The doctor looked into my eyes, checked my reflexes and told me to move my arms up and down and side to side – all good. The doctor told me that he’d get a nurse to do some blood tests and then we’d go from there. When I asked him what it is he thinks I could have, he said he wasn’t sure.

I got my blood test taken just under a week ago and I’ve been counting the seconds to call them back (they said wait a week but I’m going to check on day 6). I feel like I’m frozen just waiting to hear what to do next.

Tonight my work were going to a work dinner ( I haven’t been to work in weeks and can barely walk up the stairs half the time ) and I obviously didn’t attend. It’s the end of the season and tonight would have been my first ever proper grown-up work dinner. I was excited for it when it was mentioned four months ago before I went on sick leave.

I don’t know what I’m most scared of. Am I terrified of having some horrible rare fatal condition? Am I afraid that it’s nothing and that I’ve either been delusional or it’s something so insignificant that I’m embarassed for being in so much destress over it? I don’t know.

All I know is that until I get some answers I have no interest in keeping my room tidy, looking pretty or doing nice things. All I want to do is wait for my results, wait and be given information on how the hell to get better.

There’s Something Wrong With My Leg

Dear Diary,

A few months ago I realised that my legs (especially the right leg) were weaker than usual. It was annoying at first but mostly dismissible. However it has been getting much worse and over the last few weeks I’ve gone from not being able to go on walks with my family to being completely unable to walk down the street or work.

It’s frustrating to say the least as all I want is answers to what is wrong. I look at people walking and now can’t believe the physics – “how are they doing that?” I think when seeing people walk up slight hills or stairs. Nothing in my body hurts nor are my reflexes poor but that makes it all the more perplexing.

I was supposed to have a schedule. Finish work and then clean my room, get my driving license and then start writing more often as well as doing more hobbies. I wanted to be more independent and more self-sufficient.

However having to pause multiple times whilst simply going up and down my home’s staircase; suffice to say, does not line up with that plan. My autism wants to be better and is angry that I can’t do things. My autism and OCD are only manageable when I am both well rested and healthy.

I have to be rested mentally and physically to function as a normal human being. I have to be healthy in order to function as a normal human being. Having unexplained symptoms that I’m going to have to wait at least five weeks to be diagnosed is not congruent of functioning as my best self.

Every single day is so hard. I’m trying to drown out the OCD fear, the autism-ness and the depression constantly whilst being asked to function as a normal human being and do simple basic shit like clean my sink. Having a health problem adding to that is even more hard.

After my appointment with the doctor today (who was lovely) I have to get a blood test in a few weeks time but he was unable to give me advice other than “take it easy, do what you can and then a little bit more and if that makes things worse, ease off and let us know if the problems get worse.”

I have a driving theory test to go to in early November but I think I may have to delay that as I have no idea how worse this is going to get until then. I don’t think I should be going to driving lessons either as my right leg is obviously the one that controls the clutch and it would put a lot of strain on it.

I’ve been worried about my appointment for days and I’ve barely brushed my hair. I’ve been “contaminated” (giving into my OCD by avoiding the things I like) all week, somehow thinking that after my appointment the cause of my leg weakness would be discovered and treated by some medication I need to take twice daily for a fortnight. I thought after today I’d get to go and shower and “restarting” and being “uncontaminated”.

However I’m currently sitting in my dressing gown feeling sensory overload over the skin and oils on my face and back – upset that I can’t go to the shops and buy myself a bag of chips.

Quick Post: A Lady Went Above And Beyond And Was Kind.

Dear Diary,

Today I went to Edinburgh with my Dad to look at the area surrounding my future university campus. Of course going shopping on Princes Street is an essential part of any visit to Edinburgh so as we walked along – or I hobbled ( calling the doctor on Monday because there is clearly something wrong with my leg ) – I looked at the windows of the various retail stores.

I went into Waterstones where I browsed the aisles of young adult fiction and vietnam-styled flashbacks raced through my mind at the sight of To Kill A Kingdom and From Blood And Ash – two books I’ve reviewed on this blog that will stay with me until I die, due to the sheer volume of cringe.

Anyway I digress, after Waterstones I went straight into Lush on Princes Street, Edinburgh and spoke to a girl who worked there. I told her about how I haven’t been taking care of myself properly and described some of my skincare and hair issues. The lady was lovely and called me “Honey Bun” which after being treated like I was a mature grown-up for the past months since turning 18, I thought was really nice.

The girl told me about the different skincare and hair products at Lush and helped me find the things I needed. I decided to get the Mask Of Magnaminty face and body mask 125g after the lady recommended it. I told her about my hair problems and she gave me two samples: Candy Rain conditioner and Rehab shampoo.

I told her about how I’m going to university at Napier in 2022 and about how I’m having a look around Edinburgh to get used to where I’ll be living after my gap year. She wished me good luck and a great rest of my day.

When I went to the counter to pay she wrote me a note and gave me a Scrubee Body Butter for free – as well of course the two free samples.

I’ve seen waiters, shop assistants and others be not helpful and uninterested in the customer but this lady was truly kind and made my day.

I thanked her for her kindness but I wanted to write this post to share how much I appreciate it, even if she never sees it. Because her friendliness and warmth made me happy and I’m 100% going back there to buy more goodies!

My Lush Haul

A Great Day Until I Found Gristle In A Chicken McNugget

TW: Don’t read if you have anxiety surrounding food and it’s texture.

Dear Diary,

I had a great day at work today. It was genuinely really enjoyable and happy and I was in a fantastic mood until I went to McDonald’s afterwards to get some food.

I ordered what I’ve been ordering for ages: coke, fries and 9 McNuggets and things were going great. I was munching on them on the drive back until suddenly I felt something in my McNugget. It was hard and tough and I knew almost immediately what it was. I convinced myself that it was something else until I took another bite and found an even bigger bit of gristle.

Spitting it out into my takeaway bag I finished my meal with a deeply uncomfortable feeling in my stomach.

The thought of the gristle caused me to panic. Most people get upset when they find something less than desirable in their food but call it autism, OCD or something else, I was really upset.

So upset, that I feel like I can’t go to McDonald’s ever again because the thought of another McNugget having gristle in it is really upsetting for me.

What I need to do is sleep and not obsess about gristle or McNuggets and right now that’s what I’m going to do – sleep and have a lie in.

Stay safe.

-Medusa

Blood and Ash Book 1 & 2 Spoiler Review | Rated: *

As usual this review will contain spoilers and I do not hate the author or anyone who enjoyed these two books. If you enjoyed this book – that is great, I however would like a refund.

I’m not even going to attempt to summerise these two books because I have neither the energy nor comprehension to understand what I have just read.

After reading “To Kill A Kingdom” I was looking to read some fantasy without the cringe of Lira and that other guy’s romance. I was wanting some good angst, plot and romance and I decided to give this series a go after reading a review saying it was dark.

I know realise that the “dark” aspect was not from tension, angst, stakes and character developments, but from the empty hole these books leave in your soul. Like a slow-acting poison the first book starts off promising (maybe a little flowery with the description but that’s something I can try to ignore) and with an interesting enough concept. And then just when you think that midway the annoying hint of cringeness that happens is the worst that it would get; – the ending of the first book and the entirity of the second, takes a full 180 and it becomes, excuse my language, a fucking mess.

Poppy as a character was extremely confusing. First of all the whole ‘Maiden’ thing makes no sense especially after learning the truth to the situation. Her behaviour and personality in the first book was somewhat more consistent despite being erratic at times. I found some of her naivity to be really uncomefortable when it came to her relationship with Hawke/Casteel because it felt like she was remarkably vulnerable despite the ‘strong independent woman’ message I think the author was trying to portray. Her behaviour in the second was literally insane and it made the less-believable aspects of her character in book 1 look even more jarring. Her relationship with Tawny and arguably the Duchess (I obviously did not think the Duchess was a good person but I was very much interested in her character and relationship to Poppy) which made their absence from the second book (minus the Duchess for a few pages near the end) greatly affect the way I saw her character. Tawny and Poppy’s friendship was a highlight of the first book for me and I only really realised it in the second book when Tawny was absent.

I especially hated Poppy’s inner monolouges which were annoyingly similar, albiet worse than the ones in “To Kill A Kingdom”. Poppy seemed to say the most cringe-worthy things that made me roll my eyes numerous times (especially in the second book) and it got old fast.

There was something annoying about the subtle rip-off moments that felt just that bit too like other books. The glowing of Poppy when she did her gift, the characters who were copy and pasted from other books and even the name “The Dark One” after watching Netflix’s Shadow and Bone based on a book series struck a nerve too.

Let’s talk about Hawke/Casteel/Cas. What a goddamn mess of a character. He starts off a semi-interesting, well-developed character until near the end of the book before the betrayal is revealed where he says “I’m so unworthy of you” to Poppy and I nearly vomitted in my mouth due to the cringe. Then when he betrays her as he planned all along you get the impression not that he some sort of attractive bad guy as I think was intended, but that he illogical. That’s the only word that springs to mind when I read that he was the traitor all along or whatever “huh? that’s illogical.”

At the end of the first book and the whole of the second I get horrible Rowan from the Throne of Glass series and Rhysand from the ‘A Court Of Thorns And Roses’ trilogy vibes from Casteel/Hawke. The ‘banter’ between Poppy and Casteel was agonisingly repetitive and I swear parahraphs were copied and pasted muliple times.

Casteel saying he “put the fun in disfunctional” is line that will haunt me to the day I die. When I suffle from this mortal coil – I will still cringe at the thought that this line was not cut from a fantasy new adult novel. Other moments such as “does my face look surprised?” and “random!” were words I did not want in the book and that’s only the tip of the cringe ice-berg.

Despite my harsh words there is a confession I must make. I read the first book from start to finish never so much as skimming a sentence. I had my full attention on the story as I did with th second book until one word was read that made me lose hope in humanity. It gave me Vietnam war flashbacks to ACOTAR and TOG. And that word was “Heartmates” and after that line all bets were off. I skimmed the rest grateful that I was no longer wasting another moment of my precious time on this Earth.

Anyway thank you for reading this review and I hope you have a wonderful day. Take care!

-Medusa

Intrusive Thoughts To Do With Greed + Food OCD

Food and me have a complicated history. I’ve always been a big eater and have always enjoyed eating take-outs, at cafes or at resteraunts with my family. Despite how much I’ve loved food, it’s also been a large part of my OCD.

Throughout my childhood certain food was viewed by my OCD as ‘contaminated’. Not by germs ( although ‘germs’ was the terminology I used to use to describe the thing that was ‘contaminated’; a word later added to my language.) or an actual founded in reality, albiat very unlikely concern such as it having some sort of disease; my ‘contamination’ was different.

It was the grease from a bagel, the tomato ketchup from my brother’s hotdog, the slight possibility of a crumb from a sausage roll falling on my scarf when I’m on holiday to Centre Parcs e.t.c.

The thing that was different about my OCD as my phycologist pointed out later was that when I felt like the food had ‘contaminated’ me, I was never in fear of consequences like a loved one dying or getting sick from the food – the typical OCD fears that would fuel the compulsion ( or at least the typical line of thinking that if I do something or fail to do something, X, Y and Z will happen as a result. )

My OCD has rarely been like that. Don’t get me wrong – my OCD is by no means worse or better than any other person’s is – it’s just different presumably because I’m, well, autistic.

When I got ‘contaminated’ by food or any other thing I deemed undesirable, I was not afraid of something bad happening as a result – It was that I felt wrong and bad. It’s hard to explain the way being ‘contaminated’ feels. It’s not real, ‘contamination’ is a way for me to deal with life – I know. But the feeling is awful.

Something that one of my phycologists once said about my OCD being different to the traditional OCD made me think oneday in my appointment about how upon feeling ‘contaminated’ by apple juice – I searched on Google Images ‘celebrities with apple juice in their hair’.

I wanted ( and still do to a degree ) to be like ‘everyone else’, I looked at these ‘normal girls’ in my real life and celebrities. I looked at the girls in my class and on the TV, who I could never quite understand and found flaws in myself in ways that were unconventional. The worst part is that even if someone else got  apple juice on them for example – that was okay! They were not ‘contaminated’ because it was only me who got contaminated…

Because at the end of the day my OCD is not about preventing something bad from happening, I think my OCD is about my autism.

So that brings my point to today. I go out and buy spicy chips from the shops, food I buy with my own money that I truly don’t need as I’ve already ate. I eat them and now I feel the familiar feeling of being ‘contaminated’. I feel greedy because I did not need to eat them and I hate myself slightly for being so greedy.

So tonight I showered, giving into my OCD and as I sit here late at night on what would have been a school night had I still been in school ( a transition that my autism is struggling to comprehend – that I’m no longer in high school ) and a plan to hang out with a friend for drinks tomorrow and all I can think about is how those spicy chips made me feel.

But we all know it’s not really about spicy chips. It’s because I have a social event tommorrow and I’m nervous. It’s because I’m realising that I am no longer a child and have new challenges. It’s because I am autistic. I just wish my brain would believe it.

Day Off Work!

Dear Diary,

I had today and yesterday off work and tomorrow off as well meaning that I’ve had a lot of spare time to get stressed, overthink, scare myself with horror movies and stressfully over-analyse every social interaction I’ve had all day – all of which is not good! Today however my Mum bought me a lovely Garnet ring from a lovely lady selling them from a stall and it made my day!

Having a few days off is essential to stop me or anyone else burning out of stress and over exhaustion, but it leads to other problems such as not being busy. Working leaves no time for OCD, overthinking and ruminating but working too often and frequently leads to burn outs and depression. It’s finding that balance that’s important.

Even now as I write this I’m feeling like throwing my phone across the room – not because I’m angry but because I’m overtired and don’t know if what I’m writing is me or some role I feel the need to play.

Anyway, me and my mother came across a stall and there were beautiful pieces of jewellery on display for great prices and my Mum asked if I wanted one! At first I couldn’t decide which one to go for but very quickly my ring caught my eye. The lady told me it was a garnet stone and I tried it on. She gave me a discount and it was so kind of her.

My ring is lovely and I’m going to wear it tomorrow to my sisters 16th birthday dinner! Thanks Mum. X

My new garnet ring!💍

Back From Holiday Blues x 10

Dear Diary,

I’m back from my holiday and I have got my new iPhone 12 mini using my first pay-cheque. I’m not feeling good though; I feel like I want to scream and smash things and cry.

I returned home from Alton Towers and struggled to sleep only to then lie-in until midday. I can’t touch my new iPhone all that often because my OCD is appalling. I don’t want to be at home and I don’t want to be at work. I feel like smashing my laptop and running away. Little comments today have been making me really upset and I’m angry at everyone. I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m tired of being like this.

I just want my brain to stop for five minutes but it won’t. I want the weather to cool down so that it’s easier to sleep and I want to stop feeling troubled by my middle ear problems. I want to not worry about how wrong everything feels – because it does! Everything feels so wrong and I can’t explain why. My OCD is terrible and I’m feeling so bad.

It’s hilarious that I work and stay busy but it inevitably ends up causing me to burn-out and yet when I have time-off I can’t cope with the lack of routine. If I’m busy I have no time to clean my room and do other tasks and when I’m completely free I’m lost on what to do (especially when I’ve already wasted half the day.)

I fucking hate my mind and I just want things to feel right.

An Autistic Girls’ Second Day at Alton Towers: Fun, Heat and The Smiler

Dear Diary,

Last nights sleep was anything but easy as the room was sweltering despite the air conditioning being on full blast. Eventually I managed to get some shut-eye and awoke to find that my boss has put me on the 9-5 shift the day after next. (I’ve loved working but this morning I just wanted to quit to relax!)

I listened to music in the car using my AirPods and purchased the new iPhone 12 mini 64GB from Carphone Warehouse. After accidentally putting in the wrong email address I tried contacting them to fix the situation and got very annoyed. The number I called basically said go online for answers (which weren’t there) and then I got in contact with my first message link employee who I had a rough relationship with. Basically I had put the wrong first line of address in when she asked me to confirm and I got mad at her not realising the mistake was on me but when I realised my mistake and told her to change it she said “Can’t help you – call the number-“. I then found someone else who helped get everything arranged and I am awaiting the phone on the 21st this month; a phone that I used my first ever proper grownup pay cheque on.

The first ride I went on was of course The Smiler. I must be getting old because the main worry was if I would feel sick afterwards rather than the rollercoaster itself scaring me. It was really fun but I had to take a major time out afterwards due to intense nausea.

I went on The Oblivion again – this time with my sisters and went on Rita for the first time as well as returning to Spin Whizzer and The Blade one last time.

The weather was hot and I felt slightly uncomfortable due to it but wore enough sunscreen to prevent what happened before my prom where I had second degree burns. Now that, had been a disaster I was unwilling to repeat. I perhaps wore long sleeve tops in the fear of preventing that, rather than just be extra careful and wear a T-shirt. Whatever the reason I was hot and grumpy at times but I genuinely had a lovely time.

My Dad took us out for dinner where I ordered sirloin steak and peppercorn sauce and then bought us sweets and crisps. As soon as we all got back to the hotel I took a much needed shower and I am currently sitting in my pyjamas with one of my sisters, debating internally whether or not I should open my Wine Gums or not. I will I think, just not the crisps as the smell will make me unable to relax.

Overall so far this holiday has been incredible and I’ve enjoyed every minute of it. My Dad especially has been wonderful as he has waited patiently on us all on each ride, buying us merchandise and food and ensuring that we all have a great time.

Tomorrow we are going to either York or New Castle and I’m so excited to have a more relaxed day with my Dad and sisters and maybe even stop off at a service system and get a KFC.

Until then, Bye.

Medusa

My Smiler pin badge.

An Autistic Girls’ First Day at Alton Towers: The Good, The Bad and The Queasy

Dear Diary,

Today I went to Alton Towers with some of my siblings and father. We left very early in the morning – especially since I’d just done a night shift at work – to head off to Staffordshire to enjoy our two day and night trip with both days at Alton Towers and the nights at a Premier Inn nearby.

I was struggling a bit to sleep in the car. I couldn’t seem to get comfortable and was becoming a bit distressed. Much like a toddler having a temper tantrum in frustration about not being able to get the new toy she wanted, I too was about to throw something out of the frustration of not being able to get comfy. In these moments of frustration I become almost like a toddler; I lack perspective and advanced deductive reasoning and want to scream. Eventually I managed an hour nap in a position that could not be described as advisable for road safety but I was strapped in and following the law.

When we arrived at Alton Towers today I was so excited. I almost ran round my family in excitement wanting to express how happy I was and how much I loved them all. This is perhaps not the average behaviour of a neurological eighteen year old but I was happy.

I went on The Blade first and loved it. My head felt wobbly in a good way as I went high in the air and back down again. I definitely want to go on it again tomorrow!

The next ride we went on was less good. I went on with my sisters and at first it was fine but as we were carried higher in the air we also began going round and round and round and I could feel my stomach lurching. I’d had about three hours sleep, not really eaten anything this morning (as I’m fussy about what I eat) and I have middle ear difficulties as I’ve wrote about before on this blog.

The culmination of these different challenges were a disaster on the next ride I went on, which was Spin Whizzer. I know what your thinking reader – why the hell did I go on a ride called spin whizzer when I was still terribly nauseous from the last ride? – and the answer is that I’d never been sick due to a rollercoaster before today and that I also wanted to do what my younger sisters were doing.

After sheepishly wandering off the Spin Whizzer like a drunk Scotsman after a few too many pints; I run behind a bucket (the bins were not the right shape for sticking your head in) as it was the only non public place to go, and hurled my guts up.

I felt better after this and even more so after I’d had my hotdog at lunch (though I nearly hurled it up on the picnic bench after finishing it) after consuming it with what can only be described as the resilience and strength of a naval officer.

Next we went on The Wicker Man which I thoroughly enjoyed despite the very long wait in line. My and my youngest sister are desperate to get some merchandise from the ride tomorrow.

As a good ‘family ride’ we all went on the Congo River Rapids and I bought the picture of us all in the boat for a whopping £10 since my Dad is far too grippy (and perhaps far too wise) to spend that amount of money on a printed out photograph.

I went on The Oblivion which I loved and The Nemesis which I’m glad I’ve gone and bought the t-shirt but never wish to go back for leggings. After a substantial time away from Spin Whizzer I gave it another go with one of my sisters and this time I neither puked nor lived in fear of doing so – although I must admit a slight uneasiness in my stomach stopped me from going on it immediately after again with my sister.

After a quick snack of strawberries, marshmallows and melted chocolate, my family and I made our way to the Premier Inn hotel we are currently staying at. We visited Burger King for dinner (which I’m half-convinced is going to give me food poisoning symptoms in the next half hour) and Spar for snacks such as the Monster Munch I ate whilst writing this post. I of course am yet to get into my pyjamas as I hate having the smell of anything on my pyjamas and as we all know snacks tend to leave crumbs but I shall soon wash my face, brush my teeth and get changed – maybe after some Wine Gums and YouTube videos. I’m next to one of my sisters and currently our whole squad is on their devices with various snacks resting our legs and feet after an adventurous day at Alton Towers.

The castle and the bench area where you can watch the live performances.
Entrance Area of Alton Towers.