Health Fears | Awaiting Blood Test Results

Note: These are fears to do with my physical health. Most likely I have nothing too serious. I don’t want to seem overdramatic or like I’m making light of serious conditions.

Dear Diary,

I’m realy scared.

I probably shouldn’t be; there is no true cause for panic yet. Doctors are confused but not extremely concerned – so it’s clearly nothing too dramatic; And yet I’m still scared.

A few months ago I noticed that my legs (mostly my right leg) was getting tired far quicker than usual. Throughout my life I’ve always taken longer and gotten tireder faster than everyone in my family- be it walking around a city centre or climbing up Ben Nevis. This was different though; My Dad grew concerned when upon a visit to Edinburgh I could barely manage to walk across Princes Street. I was stopping frequently because my legs were too weak. It had never been this noticeable before. I could convince myself that I was just lazy or unfit (even when I was struggling to do the everyday walk to the shops that takes ten minutes and that I’ve been able to do no matter how exhausted ) but when my Dad noticed then I admitted that I’d see a doctor.

The doctor looked into my eyes, checked my reflexes and told me to move my arms up and down and side to side – all good. The doctor told me that he’d get a nurse to do some blood tests and then we’d go from there. When I asked him what it is he thinks I could have, he said he wasn’t sure.

I got my blood test taken just under a week ago and I’ve been counting the seconds to call them back (they said wait a week but I’m going to check on day 6). I feel like I’m frozen just waiting to hear what to do next.

Tonight my work were going to a work dinner ( I haven’t been to work in weeks and can barely walk up the stairs half the time ) and I obviously didn’t attend. It’s the end of the season and tonight would have been my first ever proper grown-up work dinner. I was excited for it when it was mentioned four months ago before I went on sick leave.

I don’t know what I’m most scared of. Am I terrified of having some horrible rare fatal condition? Am I afraid that it’s nothing and that I’ve either been delusional or it’s something so insignificant that I’m embarassed for being in so much destress over it? I don’t know.

All I know is that until I get some answers I have no interest in keeping my room tidy, looking pretty or doing nice things. All I want to do is wait for my results, wait and be given information on how the hell to get better.

There’s Something Wrong With My Leg

Dear Diary,

A few months ago I realised that my legs (especially the right leg) were weaker than usual. It was annoying at first but mostly dismissible. However it has been getting much worse and over the last few weeks I’ve gone from not being able to go on walks with my family to being completely unable to walk down the street or work.

It’s frustrating to say the least as all I want is answers to what is wrong. I look at people walking and now can’t believe the physics – “how are they doing that?” I think when seeing people walk up slight hills or stairs. Nothing in my body hurts nor are my reflexes poor but that makes it all the more perplexing.

I was supposed to have a schedule. Finish work and then clean my room, get my driving license and then start writing more often as well as doing more hobbies. I wanted to be more independent and more self-sufficient.

However having to pause multiple times whilst simply going up and down my home’s staircase; suffice to say, does not line up with that plan. My autism wants to be better and is angry that I can’t do things. My autism and OCD are only manageable when I am both well rested and healthy.

I have to be rested mentally and physically to function as a normal human being. I have to be healthy in order to function as a normal human being. Having unexplained symptoms that I’m going to have to wait at least five weeks to be diagnosed is not congruent of functioning as my best self.

Every single day is so hard. I’m trying to drown out the OCD fear, the autism-ness and the depression constantly whilst being asked to function as a normal human being and do simple basic shit like clean my sink. Having a health problem adding to that is even more hard.

After my appointment with the doctor today (who was lovely) I have to get a blood test in a few weeks time but he was unable to give me advice other than “take it easy, do what you can and then a little bit more and if that makes things worse, ease off and let us know if the problems get worse.”

I have a driving theory test to go to in early November but I think I may have to delay that as I have no idea how worse this is going to get until then. I don’t think I should be going to driving lessons either as my right leg is obviously the one that controls the clutch and it would put a lot of strain on it.

I’ve been worried about my appointment for days and I’ve barely brushed my hair. I’ve been “contaminated” (giving into my OCD by avoiding the things I like) all week, somehow thinking that after my appointment the cause of my leg weakness would be discovered and treated by some medication I need to take twice daily for a fortnight. I thought after today I’d get to go and shower and “restarting” and being “uncontaminated”.

However I’m currently sitting in my dressing gown feeling sensory overload over the skin and oils on my face and back – upset that I can’t go to the shops and buy myself a bag of chips.

Quick Post: A Lady Went Above And Beyond And Was Kind.

Dear Diary,

Today I went to Edinburgh with my Dad to look at the area surrounding my future university campus. Of course going shopping on Princes Street is an essential part of any visit to Edinburgh so as we walked along – or I hobbled ( calling the doctor on Monday because there is clearly something wrong with my leg ) – I looked at the windows of the various retail stores.

I went into Waterstones where I browsed the aisles of young adult fiction and vietnam-styled flashbacks raced through my mind at the sight of To Kill A Kingdom and From Blood And Ash – two books I’ve reviewed on this blog that will stay with me until I die, due to the sheer volume of cringe.

Anyway I digress, after Waterstones I went straight into Lush on Princes Street, Edinburgh and spoke to a girl who worked there. I told her about how I haven’t been taking care of myself properly and described some of my skincare and hair issues. The lady was lovely and called me “Honey Bun” which after being treated like I was a mature grown-up for the past months since turning 18, I thought was really nice.

The girl told me about the different skincare and hair products at Lush and helped me find the things I needed. I decided to get the Mask Of Magnaminty face and body mask 125g after the lady recommended it. I told her about my hair problems and she gave me two samples: Candy Rain conditioner and Rehab shampoo.

I told her about how I’m going to university at Napier in 2022 and about how I’m having a look around Edinburgh to get used to where I’ll be living after my gap year. She wished me good luck and a great rest of my day.

When I went to the counter to pay she wrote me a note and gave me a Scrubee Body Butter for free – as well of course the two free samples.

I’ve seen waiters, shop assistants and others be not helpful and uninterested in the customer but this lady was truly kind and made my day.

I thanked her for her kindness but I wanted to write this post to share how much I appreciate it, even if she never sees it. Because her friendliness and warmth made me happy and I’m 100% going back there to buy more goodies!

My Lush Haul

What Now? – Being Off Work With No Plans And Growing Anxiety and Uncertainty

Being a grown-up is a hell of a lot less fun than I expected.

Dear Diary,

I’m back writing on my laptop in my dressing gown and drinking a blackcurrent fruit shoot – mind racing a million miles an hour.

I’m trying to locate the cause or reasoning behind this nagging uneasiness I’m feeling and have yet to come to a conclusion. I’m probably embarrased and stressed out that I vommitted at work; I’m probably worried about going back to work in five or so days; I’m probably worried about my theory test and the content I need to learn by then and various other fears; And yet none seem to be the root cause.

I feel like I’m waiting to go back to school at some point and fall back into the routine of being a high-schooler. I’m waiting to be plucked from my new life as a working adult and placed back to where I truly belong, the place I was for most of my life.

Perhaps it’s being off work that is confusing me – (although this week off was desperately needed.) Maybe I’m feeling discombobulated about not following my routine as I have nowhere I need to be. My physical health is very poor; I can’t even walk to my Dad’s car without being extremely out of breath. I may stand still for hours upon hours at work, walking on even-flooring and walking quick short distances and back but these days I can’t walk down the high-street without repeatedly stopping for breath. In my entire life I have never felt this physically unfit.

Whatever the reason; I am lost and not sure where to go from here. I feel like a child playing dress-up, missing the carefree-ness of being a high-schooler (though high-school in on itself wasn’t exactly carefree) and I am scared of being given time to myself.

Food is still bothering me. Textures and hard bits in meats are causing me great discomfort and upset. My OCD is not great; I’m opting to not care about my appearance out of depression and not trying to make myself feel better by wearing my favourite clothes or accessorise.

I guess you could say I’m in limbo. I’m unsure of what to do and anticipating disaster and so are not doing anything productive or beneficial. I’m reluctant to start challenging my OCD or making myself feel better because I feel so damn tired. The idea of redecorating the house before a tornado strikes feels pointless so to speak. I’m just waiting for my tornado – and a tornado will always, always come – in a run-down shack instead of enjoying whatever time I have left in a cozy cottage so to speak.

A Great Day Until I Found Gristle In A Chicken McNugget

TW: Don’t read if you have anxiety surrounding food and it’s texture.

Dear Diary,

I had a great day at work today. It was genuinely really enjoyable and happy and I was in a fantastic mood until I went to McDonald’s afterwards to get some food.

I ordered what I’ve been ordering for ages: coke, fries and 9 McNuggets and things were going great. I was munching on them on the drive back until suddenly I felt something in my McNugget. It was hard and tough and I knew almost immediately what it was. I convinced myself that it was something else until I took another bite and found an even bigger bit of gristle.

Spitting it out into my takeaway bag I finished my meal with a deeply uncomfortable feeling in my stomach.

The thought of the gristle caused me to panic. Most people get upset when they find something less than desirable in their food but call it autism, OCD or something else, I was really upset.

So upset, that I feel like I can’t go to McDonald’s ever again because the thought of another McNugget having gristle in it is really upsetting for me.

What I need to do is sleep and not obsess about gristle or McNuggets and right now that’s what I’m going to do – sleep and have a lie in.

Stay safe.

-Medusa

Blood and Ash Book 1 & 2 Spoiler Review | Rated: *

As usual this review will contain spoilers and I do not hate the author or anyone who enjoyed these two books. If you enjoyed this book – that is great, I however would like a refund.

I’m not even going to attempt to summerise these two books because I have neither the energy nor comprehension to understand what I have just read.

After reading “To Kill A Kingdom” I was looking to read some fantasy without the cringe of Lira and that other guy’s romance. I was wanting some good angst, plot and romance and I decided to give this series a go after reading a review saying it was dark.

I know realise that the “dark” aspect was not from tension, angst, stakes and character developments, but from the empty hole these books leave in your soul. Like a slow-acting poison the first book starts off promising (maybe a little flowery with the description but that’s something I can try to ignore) and with an interesting enough concept. And then just when you think that midway the annoying hint of cringeness that happens is the worst that it would get; – the ending of the first book and the entirity of the second, takes a full 180 and it becomes, excuse my language, a fucking mess.

Poppy as a character was extremely confusing. First of all the whole ‘Maiden’ thing makes no sense especially after learning the truth to the situation. Her behaviour and personality in the first book was somewhat more consistent despite being erratic at times. I found some of her naivity to be really uncomefortable when it came to her relationship with Hawke/Casteel because it felt like she was remarkably vulnerable despite the ‘strong independent woman’ message I think the author was trying to portray. Her behaviour in the second was literally insane and it made the less-believable aspects of her character in book 1 look even more jarring. Her relationship with Tawny and arguably the Duchess (I obviously did not think the Duchess was a good person but I was very much interested in her character and relationship to Poppy) which made their absence from the second book (minus the Duchess for a few pages near the end) greatly affect the way I saw her character. Tawny and Poppy’s friendship was a highlight of the first book for me and I only really realised it in the second book when Tawny was absent.

I especially hated Poppy’s inner monolouges which were annoyingly similar, albiet worse than the ones in “To Kill A Kingdom”. Poppy seemed to say the most cringe-worthy things that made me roll my eyes numerous times (especially in the second book) and it got old fast.

There was something annoying about the subtle rip-off moments that felt just that bit too like other books. The glowing of Poppy when she did her gift, the characters who were copy and pasted from other books and even the name “The Dark One” after watching Netflix’s Shadow and Bone based on a book series struck a nerve too.

Let’s talk about Hawke/Casteel/Cas. What a goddamn mess of a character. He starts off a semi-interesting, well-developed character until near the end of the book before the betrayal is revealed where he says “I’m so unworthy of you” to Poppy and I nearly vomitted in my mouth due to the cringe. Then when he betrays her as he planned all along you get the impression not that he some sort of attractive bad guy as I think was intended, but that he illogical. That’s the only word that springs to mind when I read that he was the traitor all along or whatever “huh? that’s illogical.”

At the end of the first book and the whole of the second I get horrible Rowan from the Throne of Glass series and Rhysand from the ‘A Court Of Thorns And Roses’ trilogy vibes from Casteel/Hawke. The ‘banter’ between Poppy and Casteel was agonisingly repetitive and I swear parahraphs were copied and pasted muliple times.

Casteel saying he “put the fun in disfunctional” is line that will haunt me to the day I die. When I suffle from this mortal coil – I will still cringe at the thought that this line was not cut from a fantasy new adult novel. Other moments such as “does my face look surprised?” and “random!” were words I did not want in the book and that’s only the tip of the cringe ice-berg.

Despite my harsh words there is a confession I must make. I read the first book from start to finish never so much as skimming a sentence. I had my full attention on the story as I did with th second book until one word was read that made me lose hope in humanity. It gave me Vietnam war flashbacks to ACOTAR and TOG. And that word was “Heartmates” and after that line all bets were off. I skimmed the rest grateful that I was no longer wasting another moment of my precious time on this Earth.

Anyway thank you for reading this review and I hope you have a wonderful day. Take care!

-Medusa

To Kill A Kingdom Book Review – SPOILERS

Warning if you have not read the book and do not wished to be spoiled please do not keep reading!

I’ve just finished the book mere minutes ago and I have a lot of thoughts about it so I’m going to skip the summary as I’ll assume that those who read this review have also read the book.

Honestly this book disappointed me quite a bit. It’s by no means a terrible book but it by no means lived up to my expectations based on the synopsis. The first half of the book I enjoyed, though it had it’s flaws retrospectively, they didn’t interfere with my enjoyment of the story. Unfortunately for the last half of the book, it’s a different situation. The pacing is wrong, the writing becomes more like Netflix romcom dialouge rather than banter between characters ( to the extent that I was cringing! ) and glaring failures in the overall characterisation of Elian and the rest become more and more noticeable

In the first few chapters, the set-up to Lira was great. Our understanding of the Sea Queen and her politics was poor ( unfortunately that never really changed other than when the book chose to simply inform us that the sea is ruled through the Queen’s forced loyalty ) but I believed that the lore would be further explained so I bit the bullet and embraced the unknown. The set-up to Elian was less great, we hear he loves killing sirens and all but what the guy loves to do more than anything is ramble on about how much he loves the ocean, still I continued with the story fascinated by the premise.

Halfway through the story, things suddenly felt different. Lira was coming up with more random self-descoveries than an internet phycology quiz spits out in a day. Her behaviour went from ruthless killer to “I love being part of my pirate family” WAY too quickly to the point where it undermined her character and the story. Lira’s sudden realisation that humans are good and that she hates her mother were so random and plot-convenient that it actually annoyed me. Lira and Elian’s relationship was interesting until the cheesiest moments in history started happening ruining the dark tones of the first chapter and setting the story up to become more and more corny.

The romance in this book should be good and the fact that it’s not is really disappointing. Instead of getting a complex dynamic between killer siren princess and ruthless siren-murderer prince we got two teenagers playing dress-up in pirate clothes. Elian needed to be grittier and darker, not just a plot device so that Lira could go “humans are nice”. Her apathy to his killing of one of her subjects, was not out of character for Lira, but Elians’s sudden remorse for Maeve was ridiculous coming from a chracter that is supposed to be a ruthless siren killer – this also ruined the lesson of Elian having to change the way he thought because he was clearly already unsure of himself. The minute that Elian finds out Lira is a siren the dialouge becomes painfully immature and the stakes of her keeping it a secret are made basically redundant as it takes him mere pages to be TOTALLY 100% FINE WITH HER BEING THE THING HE HAS DEDICATED HIS LIFE TO KILL. Lira and Elian’s ‘we’re the same’ comments got old fast too.

I could rant about how we learned nothing about the sirens other than the mention of a couple of them, how the ending was really unsatisfactory and how the final battle was boring but I won’t go into too much detail. The life of a siren is barely touched upon in terms of their culture and their day to day lives and I would be surprised is anyone would be convinced that the Saad crewmates were supposed to be hardened pirates when they are simply goofballs. The plot points of having a heart being a source of a siren’s power is never touched upon after a brief mention and the character’s make the most plot convenient realisations ever.

No hate to the author as it is still a fine book to read – it just could have been amazing with some changes. All in all this book was frustrating and disappointing but the brilliant concept is worth noting. I think the author shows real talent and promise but this book feels too rushed and unsure of itself. I do look forward to reading more books from her in the future though.

Rating out of 5: * * *

Intrusive Thoughts To Do With Greed + Food OCD

Food and me have a complicated history. I’ve always been a big eater and have always enjoyed eating take-outs, at cafes or at resteraunts with my family. Despite how much I’ve loved food, it’s also been a large part of my OCD.

Throughout my childhood certain food was viewed by my OCD as ‘contaminated’. Not by germs ( although ‘germs’ was the terminology I used to use to describe the thing that was ‘contaminated’; a word later added to my language.) or an actual founded in reality, albiat very unlikely concern such as it having some sort of disease; my ‘contamination’ was different.

It was the grease from a bagel, the tomato ketchup from my brother’s hotdog, the slight possibility of a crumb from a sausage roll falling on my scarf when I’m on holiday to Centre Parcs e.t.c.

The thing that was different about my OCD as my phycologist pointed out later was that when I felt like the food had ‘contaminated’ me, I was never in fear of consequences like a loved one dying or getting sick from the food – the typical OCD fears that would fuel the compulsion ( or at least the typical line of thinking that if I do something or fail to do something, X, Y and Z will happen as a result. )

My OCD has rarely been like that. Don’t get me wrong – my OCD is by no means worse or better than any other person’s is – it’s just different presumably because I’m, well, autistic.

When I got ‘contaminated’ by food or any other thing I deemed undesirable, I was not afraid of something bad happening as a result – It was that I felt wrong and bad. It’s hard to explain the way being ‘contaminated’ feels. It’s not real, ‘contamination’ is a way for me to deal with life – I know. But the feeling is awful.

Something that one of my phycologists once said about my OCD being different to the traditional OCD made me think oneday in my appointment about how upon feeling ‘contaminated’ by apple juice – I searched on Google Images ‘celebrities with apple juice in their hair’.

I wanted ( and still do to a degree ) to be like ‘everyone else’, I looked at these ‘normal girls’ in my real life and celebrities. I looked at the girls in my class and on the TV, who I could never quite understand and found flaws in myself in ways that were unconventional. The worst part is that even if someone else got  apple juice on them for example – that was okay! They were not ‘contaminated’ because it was only me who got contaminated…

Because at the end of the day my OCD is not about preventing something bad from happening, I think my OCD is about my autism.

So that brings my point to today. I go out and buy spicy chips from the shops, food I buy with my own money that I truly don’t need as I’ve already ate. I eat them and now I feel the familiar feeling of being ‘contaminated’. I feel greedy because I did not need to eat them and I hate myself slightly for being so greedy.

So tonight I showered, giving into my OCD and as I sit here late at night on what would have been a school night had I still been in school ( a transition that my autism is struggling to comprehend – that I’m no longer in high school ) and a plan to hang out with a friend for drinks tomorrow and all I can think about is how those spicy chips made me feel.

But we all know it’s not really about spicy chips. It’s because I have a social event tommorrow and I’m nervous. It’s because I’m realising that I am no longer a child and have new challenges. It’s because I am autistic. I just wish my brain would believe it.

Day Off Work!

Dear Diary,

I had today and yesterday off work and tomorrow off as well meaning that I’ve had a lot of spare time to get stressed, overthink, scare myself with horror movies and stressfully over-analyse every social interaction I’ve had all day – all of which is not good! Today however my Mum bought me a lovely Garnet ring from a lovely lady selling them from a stall and it made my day!

Having a few days off is essential to stop me or anyone else burning out of stress and over exhaustion, but it leads to other problems such as not being busy. Working leaves no time for OCD, overthinking and ruminating but working too often and frequently leads to burn outs and depression. It’s finding that balance that’s important.

Even now as I write this I’m feeling like throwing my phone across the room – not because I’m angry but because I’m overtired and don’t know if what I’m writing is me or some role I feel the need to play.

Anyway, me and my mother came across a stall and there were beautiful pieces of jewellery on display for great prices and my Mum asked if I wanted one! At first I couldn’t decide which one to go for but very quickly my ring caught my eye. The lady told me it was a garnet stone and I tried it on. She gave me a discount and it was so kind of her.

My ring is lovely and I’m going to wear it tomorrow to my sisters 16th birthday dinner! Thanks Mum. X

My new garnet ring!💍

Parents and Autism

Dear Diary,

I was never great at communicating with my parents growing up. Call it autism, depression or the fact that I had OCD and my parents had no clue what I meant in my early years when I told them about ‘germs’ – or a culmination of all these things but I truly was rubbish at communicating my feelings.

After I grew up a bit, I understood a lot more about what I thought a family was about; and so I opened up a lot more about how I was feeling and then I also began to rely on my parent’s approval without even realising it. I am so reliant on my parent’s opinions and approval and they don’t understand it. My parents are by no means pushy or try to stifile or undermine mine or anyone else’s opinions but they are human beings with different opinions.

I feel alone in the world when I’m not relying emotionally on my parents because as soon as I realised properly in my autsitc brain that I had parents – I became subtly dependent on their approval. It’s not that I didn’t still yell at my parents, roll my eyes and storm out in a huff – because believe me I did (and still do). It’s more like I have the need to tell them every little thing that goes on in my life because I need to know that what I did was okay. My parents already do so much for me and I don’t think they actually realize how much I appreciate all that they do because I’m not good at communicating it all the time. They make sure that my room is clean, my clothes are ironed and I get driven to work and cooked hot meals without any complaint from them.

The trouble is that they don’t understand how I don’t understand that I need to keep my room clean and that I have to iron and wash clothes and arrange things. In my head I’m only a few years away from not living in my room full-time so the notion of keeping my room clean is pointless. Of course their argument that you could say that about anything is valid but I just don’t feel like it is correct.

One more thing about my parents that I find so frustrating as a young person with autism is the fact that they seldom remember I am autistic at all times. When I do something ‘autistic’ in public like speak much louder because I’m not good at regulating my volume in different places – they treat me like they would any other 18 year old who is being loud and seem to forget I’m autistic. When I talk about something too much they think I’m obsessed and don’t understand that sometimes I’m just trying to process something I like or really don’t.

Here lies my main problem and the reason I need to grow-up. Deep down no matter how much I know in my heart of hearts how much they love me and how much time, money, effort and sacrifice they put into getting me help and making sure that I am ready for adulthood, even with all of that and more; I am angry at them. And at the same time I just want to make them proud.

I am so angry and annoyed that they didn’t realise I had autism sooner. After I was diagnosed my mother said that “Finding out I had autism made everything make sense – it was the missing piece of the puzzle” not in an unkind way but it made me wonder how could you not know? Maybe not that I had autism but that there was something wrong with me when I was unable to touch my toys without washing my hands and brushing my teeth because I had OCD. I obviously didn’t know that I was different but surely they must have. I’m angry that whilst of course I joined CAHMS in primary 6 – my parents didn’t figure out that I was wrong. My mother told me that they thought I was just mature for my age which is why I preffered speaking to the grown-ups on play-dates.

Of course my parents are only human – two humans with three other kids, a morgage, a house and jobs to juggle; and if we are being honest I took up alot of those juggling balls – so it is truly unfair to blame them for not understanding a condition that mainstream media didn’t and still doesn’t understand. It’s also completely unfair to expect two humans to be able to 24/7 be able to deal with the autistic behaviour I do and not be in the slight bit frustrated how I wake them up because I want to talk to them.

It’s also truly unfair to blame them for things that they could not have known. Like my mother’s offhand remark of “Always stand up for yourself” a hallmark quote that she couldn’t have known I’d take literally. A quote that led to S1 me taking on S3/4s girls who were rough and ready because I stood up for myself for a stupid comment that would have saved me alot of friends, tears and pain had I just ignored. Me following her advice from nursery because I didn’t understand about how varied and complex most situations with conflict or drama can be. So why do I still feel angry about it? And why do I now get annoyed when my mother tells me very simple things that I obviously should and shouldn’t do in a situation which makes me feel like an idiot when I have a very recent history of taking the words of a cat poster to heart?

Why do I still feel angry at taking my middle aged Dad’s advice to write my phone number and e-mail down to give to all the girl’s in my new primary class in P6 on my first day only for them all to somehow have lost the bits of paper by the time I started my first term? Why am I annoyed that my Dad still has no clue about what a lot of my conditions actually are?

Why do I feel so upset that as a 18 year old woman I have just literally asked my Mum if it’s ‘okay’ to go to a nightclub with my colleagues. Not is it okay on a specific night because we have plans – but is it okay at all.

It’s not all bad though, my Mum disagreed with something I did recently – not in a nasty way but a simple “wouldn’t have done that myself” kind of way. I obviously don’t agree with her as I believe I did the right thing in the situation but her critisism did make me think about certain consequences of doing similar things again which is without a doubt a good thing. So I made some progress really today. I acknowleged my mother’s reasonable advice, respected myself for making the choice that I made and moved on. I think this mindset is the place I need to be at. I need to be Miss Independent but able to accept my parents opinions and advice without ignoring it or treating it as gospel truth.

I don’t think they’ll read this post as I’m obviously not going to directly message them about it but if they do read it they should know that I’m obviously not trying to upset them, nor trying to make them feel like bad parents, people or anything like that. They are fantastic people and parents – I am simply unable to verbally communicate some of this to them.

Take care of yourselves.

Medusa.