Note: These are fears to do with my physical health. Most likely I have nothing too serious. I don’t want to seem overdramatic or like I’m making light of serious conditions.
I’m realy scared.
I probably shouldn’t be; there is no true cause for panic yet. Doctors are confused but not extremely concerned – so it’s clearly nothing too dramatic; And yet I’m still scared.
A few months ago I noticed that my legs (mostly my right leg) was getting tired far quicker than usual. Throughout my life I’ve always taken longer and gotten tireder faster than everyone in my family- be it walking around a city centre or climbing up Ben Nevis. This was different though; My Dad grew concerned when upon a visit to Edinburgh I could barely manage to walk across Princes Street. I was stopping frequently because my legs were too weak. It had never been this noticeable before. I could convince myself that I was just lazy or unfit (even when I was struggling to do the everyday walk to the shops that takes ten minutes and that I’ve been able to do no matter how exhausted ) but when my Dad noticed then I admitted that I’d see a doctor.
The doctor looked into my eyes, checked my reflexes and told me to move my arms up and down and side to side – all good. The doctor told me that he’d get a nurse to do some blood tests and then we’d go from there. When I asked him what it is he thinks I could have, he said he wasn’t sure.
I got my blood test taken just under a week ago and I’ve been counting the seconds to call them back (they said wait a week but I’m going to check on day 6). I feel like I’m frozen just waiting to hear what to do next.
Tonight my work were going to a work dinner ( I haven’t been to work in weeks and can barely walk up the stairs half the time ) and I obviously didn’t attend. It’s the end of the season and tonight would have been my first ever proper grown-up work dinner. I was excited for it when it was mentioned four months ago before I went on sick leave.
I don’t know what I’m most scared of. Am I terrified of having some horrible rare fatal condition? Am I afraid that it’s nothing and that I’ve either been delusional or it’s something so insignificant that I’m embarassed for being in so much destress over it? I don’t know.
All I know is that until I get some answers I have no interest in keeping my room tidy, looking pretty or doing nice things. All I want to do is wait for my results, wait and be given information on how the hell to get better.