My Dog Died Today

My Dad told me this morning that my dog Oscar had died a few hours ago. I got up and rushed downstairs to see my dog in blankets. I touched his fur. We will bury him tomorrow and his body is currently wrapped in blankets in our Summer House.

Regret is the one thing I feel right now; that and guilt.

Five years ago my OCD told me that Oscar was contaminated and so from then on I treated Oscar like he was a monster. I refused to touch, walk or even be near him despite doing so for years. Even in my OCD Rehabilitation I still refused to be near him – refused to be near all my dogs.

Last night when he was sick I kept poking a spot above my eyebrow and it got infected. I put a plaster on it last night and when I took it off this morning it took of a third of my right eyebrow. So now I have an infected spot area and only two thirds of an eyebrow. Things are not going great.

Now I’m in my room with puffy eyes and a deep pit in my stomach. I thought there would be more time to get over my weird dog OCD fears – I thought there would be more time to make an attempt at getting over my OCD dog problems. But there isn’t. He is dead and all I can think about are the walks I refused to take him on, the pats I refused to give him for the last five or so years and my avoidance of him. I am so consumed with contamination that past memories of him prior to him becoming contaminated are almost non-existent.

I feel like I have a hole in my stomach and all I want to do is scream and cry.


OCD Turning Night Into Day

Dear Diary,

A favourite saying of my mother’s is “you’re turning night into day” and that’s exactly what I’ve been doing lately. At night I’ve been having irrational OCD worries that I’ll pee myself and so I have been unable to sleep at night. Then I’ve been sleeping in until lunch or napping for hours on end.

The problem is that my OCD is for lack of a better word – confused. I’m not quite down the rabbit hole of OCD mayhem but I’m also by no means doing well. For the last three or four days I’ve been deliberately wearing dirty clothes and have been taking no effort into my appearance. And when I say no effort I mean barely brushing my hair etc. It doesn’t make me feel happy to not at least look and feel presentable.

My OCD is ‘confused’ right now because I’m avoiding things like my OCD wants but I’m also not making an effort to rectify when I accidentally don’t avoid something. I feel in limbo unsure of wether my next actions will feed into my OCD or fight it.

So what am I going to do? I’m going to get through today and I’m going to enjoy my dinner which will be roast chicken breasts, rice and vegetables. Then I’m going to do my best to distract myself. My not-so-rational logic is that tonight I’m going to somehow have an epiphany and get back on track so let’s just see how that goes.

2021 Exams Are Cancelled And I’m Scared

The exams for the second year in a row have been cancelled and I’m not sure how I’m feeling. On one hand I’m glad that we now know (kind of) what is going on. On the other, I’m scared about all the complex marking systems, I’m scared about the fact that the senior year students will likely have a shorter year since their are no final exams and most of all I am scared about leaving school, my friends and my routine.

This years exam results are crucial to either getting into or being rejected to university. The last year of high school means there are no do-overs next year for I will not be there anymore. This puts the pressure on regardless and the added distrust towards the Scottish Qualifications Authority since the disaster last year does not help.

I’ve been in school for the majority of my life – I’m used to school. I may not like it all the time, I may find it hard and I may find it impossible but I feel like I need it. The cancellations of the exams means that I’m going to have to deal with leaving the security of school. School is not a choice. It is mandatory and requires no life-changing decisions to be made. When I leave school I’ll have to make choices, make decisions and grow up and the exams being cancelled is the somewhat convoluted path my brain is taking to convince myself that I’m going to be facing my ‘school’ extensional crisis sooner.

I have a few good friends in school. I have every confidence that my best friend and I will keep in contact and that is brilliant but some of my other good friends and I will inevitably drift apart. It’s hard for someone like me who struggled her whole life to make friends, finally does and then realises that she will lose them to time and distance.

That’s life of course, people move on, they drift apart, a quote from a children’s book I used to like “real friends let each other grow up” rings true here. I thought I’d be in school forever as it often felt like it – but the truth is that it’s coming to an end. I’m going to have to accept that I’ll have to grow up, the announcement of the exams being cancelled further fuels my “growing up” anxiety and the only thing I can do is accept this.

For now though, I’m going to allow myself be sad for a little while.

Representation Or An Insult?: “Music” Film Trailer By Sia

Ugh. Never have I ever seen a celebrity try and show how great they are and how progressive th- actually that’s all celebrities seem to do these days. Fair play to them, if I was rich I probably wouldn’t give a shit either.

I know a lot of people are upset about how the person playing the titular character is not Autistic. Personally that’s not my problem with it. My problem with this trailer is that, the girl portraying her is Maddie Ziegler who is a young reality star with very little acting experience playing a young girl with a disability because in the trailer at least, she portrays her like some drunk with two cans of Stella that makes an ‘autistic’ impression in poor taste that is ultimately amusing but not to be shared with the world.

Unfortunately a lot of people are jumping on the “don’t be an SJW” bandwagon saying that “everyone is too sensitive nowadays” but for myself who detests cancel culture and still honestly believes that Sia has every right to make these films regardless of how shitty they seem, sucks. The problem for me is not that Maddie Ziegler is not autistic, the problem for me is that a non-professional actor is portraying a severely autistic girl.

I honestly would have felt better if this was an edgy joke film played by people mimicking stereotypical autistic traits. Comedy and humour can be both hilarious and used in a good way to spread awareness about autism stereotypes etc. But this film is supposed to be a serious piece of art that is to be hailed as stunning and brave.

The difference between Freddie Highmore and Dakota Fanning’s portrayals of autistic people in film and TV compared to Maddie Ziegler in this trailer is that a) Maddie Ziegler is not an actress. The others have acting experience and manage to portray realistic and therefore inoffensive characters. From the trailer the character “Music” is acted by Ziegler the way I would expect someone would behave to mock a person with autism. I have no problem with Ziegler ultimately she is just a young girl working with her godmother but she is not autistic or an actress.

Of course autism is a spectrum and some have more needs than others but the way that “Music” is portrayed at least from the trailer is just angering. It’s almost like she’s channeling Simple Jack from Tropic Thunder. Actually that’s exactly what it kind of looks like.

Her responses to the criticism begs two questions. One: I get being defensive but Jesus Christ Sia, harsh! And Two: Who the hell is her PR person and why the hell are they not stopping her from tweeting?

Now I’m not saying that Maddie Ziegler or Sia are intentionally doing this, I don’t think that. However I do think Maddie Ziegler and Sia do not have the acting/directorial ability to portray a semi-decent example of an autistic person.

This also may be petty of me to say – but this is my blog so I can be as goddamn petty as I want without detracting from my original valid arguments. For me personally there is something very sad about a girl roughly my age who is seen wearing makeup, pretty, surrounded by people who she can communicate to without fear of rejection and someone who is able to stop acting autistic when the camera stops that hurts me. The difference to this compared to the other non-autistic actors is just that, they are professional actors. My saying of this however is purely personal and is of no value to this argument or the honest to God points I’ve made.

Well I’ve said my piece. I still like Sia’s songs and ultimately like the singer but she is being very childish in her response to criticisms on Twitter and in her attempt at “raising awareness”, she has so far only made me cringe.

No-one will believe this but I’m going to say it anyway because it is true. I honestly hope that this trailer is just bad and that the movie is good. And hey, I could be completely wrong and the film is tasteful and fun. But if it’s not then I will have so many self-deprecating jokes to make about myself that will be a blast anyway. So either way I win.

I’ll give it a go but so far I’m far from feeling optimistic.😂

Doing Slightly Better…I Think: OCD Rehabilitation Day 3

I made some okay progress today all things considered. School is back tomorrow and I’m still feeling not 100%. My nausea is still coming and going a sure sign of my anxiety levels rising but I’ve not been sick as of yet and taking that as a good sign.

I managed to wear some jewellery today and eat crisps whilst on my phone which is something I used to be unable to do. I’m still a bit iffy around some things but I put foods I’d consider “contaminated” into the shopping bags whilst helping my Mum pack the bags at our local Morrison’s and I am currently wearing a dressing gown that came into contact with a dog treat box (another thing that my OCD considers as “contaminated”.

So whilst I’ve not been brilliant – I certainly have not been bad by any means. Little victories like today will help me get through tomorrow when I have to go back to the daily stresses of high school, socialising and homework and when I’m tired and not firing on all four cylinders. Well, we’ll see what happens tomorrow won’t we?

How I’m Feeling: Day 2 Of OCD Rehabilitation

The toll of all the anxiety over the past two days has effected me more than it perhaps should. I still feel nauseous at times and my appetiete has decreased significantly due to said nausea. I haven’t done as well as I would have liked today, I managed to almost ignore the compulsions ( with the exception of avoiding touching a certain food at dinner among other avoidance compulsions).

Today I feel…well that’s the problem, I’m honestly not sure. I don’t feel just stressed or sad – though those feelings still linger. I certainly don’t feel happy but I don’t feel numb. I just feel confused. A haze of emotional confusion unlike anything that I can remember clouds my mind. I don’t know how to deal with how unsure of my feelings I am.

I spent my second day of OCD rehab taking my brother out on his scooter, watching a James Bond movie and going driving with my Dad. I didn’t particularly like driving today, I’m still a learner and whilst I did semi-okay – it was rather stressful. I have homework I need to do tomorrow and I can’t find the will-power to do it contributing to the feeling that I am trapped.

Much like my feelings, I don’t know how to conclude this post so I will instead post tomorrow when my thoughts and opinions are less convoluted.

Going Cold Turkey On My Compulsions: Day 1 Of OCD Rehabilitation

Later today I’ll have to complete my personal statement and do various other administrative jobs like checking e-mails or revising for a geography test. Though these tasks seem fickle in comparison to the fact that I’m going against my nature and resisting the urge to listen to my OCD.

The day after a breakdown is worse than the breakdown itself. I feel nausous and drained, like everything in the world is wrong.

I’m wearing a bunch of jewellery today. For the reason that is that my OCD is telling me that If I wear it, I will ruin it and contaminate it. So I’m wearing a shocking amount of expensive jewellery for a Friday morning which I’m not seeing anyone but well, here we are.

I bought a new ring from Pandora a few days ago. It is the new Cinderella ring that I bought with my own money. It’s beautiful and currently on my fingers. My OCD is whispering your going to ruin it Lucy, It is being contaminated right now and will become even more contaminated after you go to McDonalds’s today. It’s hard to drown the voice out and almost amusing that my metaphorical demon is concerned about a drivethru.

I know why I’m “concerned” about going to McDonald’s, my favourite new intrusive thought – conjealed beef fat – partly originated there. No matter how hard I tell myself that it’s not going to ruin anything (to be fair I don’t tell myself this as much as I should) it still hurts.

That’s the main problem with OCD isn’t it? I think people assume when someone has OCD that when they have a breakdown it’s because something isn’t perfect and they feel stressed. Of course there is stress.

But the main problem is that when you stop giving into your OCD it feels like the world is wrong. There is no romantic, Hallmark movie type panic. You feel like you want to crawl out of your own body and scream. The world feels dirty and disgusting and you can either give in and dull the pain momentarily making the world feel more in control, more good, more clean…or you can feel the agony of years of ingrained beliefs being ignored, you can suffer through the revulsion of whatever the OCD makes you think is the cause of your life’s problems in the hope that eventually after ripping off the bandaid, the pain will go away.

It did for me last time. My OCD was still there and obviously it lingered and grew in strength the more times I gave in a little but it can be done. You can go cold turkey on your compulsions. It just hurts a great deal.

OCD Caught Up With Me And I Had A Breakdown

Where to begin? Ever since my intrusive thought a while back, I’ve not been coping very well. If I’m being completely honest I didn’t realise how much I hadn’t been coping until this very day.

With or without realising it (much to my own debate) I have been consistantly giving into my OCD. After a long period of time doing very well I decended into OCD mode fairly quickly, partly without realising it.

It starts off with one thing – A hand wash there, an avoidance there – and like an addict I’m hooked falling into old patterns that are as ingrained in my behaviour as my ability to breath.

A few things had been upsetting me leading to this point. One being the fact that I’m sorting out my university applications which as exciting as they are, are also terrifying. Another catalyst being an unhelpful conversation with a guidance counceller who meant well but accidently ended up voicing my insecurities. Also my driving instructer (who is old and nice) made a comment about autistic people having children who are autistic that made me feel low. Despite all these things, my lack of sleep, poor diet and my giving into my OCD made matters worse.

The thing that sent me over the edge however was my parents request that I tidy out a box of old school work after I’d had an OCD trigger. They had told me to clear out the box a day previously and I had been reluctant to an enormous degree but adding the OCD trigger on top well, I got angry and I got upset.

This led to an arguement with my parents and them (perhaps justly) saying I was acting like a baby. Maybe I was acting like a baby because I feel like one or maybe because I couldn’t communicate how I was feeling to the degree that would make them understand. Me not understanding my own emotions I’m guessing does not help either.

I of course, apologied a few hours later after making some monumentally stupid decisions even by my impressive standards. I snapped and took it out on my parents in an unfair way because I was angry that they were stopping me from feeding the OCD. Things are still understandly tense but no longer heated and we are all getting on good again.

However I do not feel good. I have to complete my personal statement. I need to get ready for bed and brush my teeth and hair. I have to wash my face and go to the toilet. I also have to ignore my OCD’s wishes tommorrow as I had been doing prior to my spiral which will not be easy. I often find dealing with OCD like a wax strip. If I face it all at once, It will perhaps hurt more at first but I’ll quickly get used to it as opposed to exposing myself to small triggers and having mini-panics. I’m an all or nothing kinda gal what can I say?

I will get ready for bed, work on my personal statement tommorrow and beat my OCD into submission by ignoring that voice that wants me to give in. It’s not going to be easy but I’ve done it before and I can, no, I have to, do it again.

Intrusive Thought Of The Month: Conjealed Fat

A week or so ago I went to McDonald’s with my family and subsequently ordered a quarter pounder. When I got it, I noticed the same thing that had put me off a previous dinner the other night. Some gooey, shiney, glue-like, beef fat or something. Okay that wasn’t the most scientific of definitions and I’m fairly certain most of those adjectives were fueled by my OCD, but my point however is that the slimey, brown greese or fat has been stuck in my head for days to the point of nausea.

I feel ill just thinking about it. My mind won’t stop replaying my memories of having this in my food. Conjealed fat is causing me to want to scream and cry and that is less than ideal.

Sometimes it feels like I can’t concentrate. I can’t think. I had spent all of one morning on my school iPad trying to find out what it is, problem being that my search history is immovable and It feels like since I’ve logged onto my Google account at least once on said school iPad, the badness of the conjealed fat is infecting all of my accounts, possessions and life. It sounds over-dramatic when I say that, but it still doesn’t change the fact that some part of me believes it.

I was tired, I know this. Out of the 48 hours leading up to that day that this started, I’d probably only slept 10 of them and even those were restless. As I’ve stated before, I need to be fully functional in order to cope with life. I have to be well-rested and not hungry or overfed to manage socially and mentally. Most people will state that they need the same, but most people get moody when hungry or tired – I have a breakdown.

So what to I do? Wait it out? Wait until the feelings that my school iPad is contaminating my online life via some burger related google searches are over? Ignore the nausea and upset that has plauged me since this latest intrusive thought has began? Question those around me if they have experienced conjealed fat in their burgers in a desperate attempt to assure the bullied little girl inside of me that she isn’t on her own and is accepted? The answer is I wish I knew.

Part of me feels like including this in my blog will contaminate and ruin it but if I don’t post it then I’m just feeding into my compulsions and that is something that I do not want to do anymore.

The very thought of publishing this post containing this horrific intrusion is enough to make me want to pass out, which of course is exactly why I need to do it.