I’ve said goodbye to many teachers who have supported me and whom I genuinely care about. My last day is tomorrow evening where I’ll go to prom, enjoy a meal and get my high school graduation certificate.
I’m nervous for tomorrow but also so excited. I have a beautiful dress, I’m getting my hair professionally done, I have beautiful accessories and makeup and I’m so excited!
I’m currently painting my toenails for the prom and I’m going to choose my jewellery – I’m definitely wearing my Elena vervain locket and my Elena ring as well as some of my Pandora charms.
I have a busy day tomorrow so I’m going to get some sleep. This may be the shortest blog post in the history of humanity but I want to record how I’m feeling.
I’ve chosen a course that in part surprised me. I know that I can excel at it and I am genuinely excited to get started!
Of course there are the wriggling doubts, the fears, the nagging voice in the back of my head whispering that I’ve made a huge mistake – which sucks but is also normal. I got into a fantastic course that may not have been my ‘dream course’ but is something that I love and can’t wait to begin.
So yes with the celebration comes slight mourning – mourning for a S1 girl’s dream and mourning for the countless other opportunities that every choice we make in life limits you to.
But despite some sadness and anxiety; I feel relieved. I have a clear view of what I’ve got to do and how I’m going to do it and that feels really good.
I am very happy and I think that this course will not only be badass, exciting and that guarantees a career; but will also make me happy in life.
Only time will tell but today is a good day and it requires a celebration – one preferably when I’m neither sunburnt or exhausted from adrenaline. One thing is for sure; I can’t wait to get started!
Yesterday, or rather a few hours ago was my 18th birthday and I had an amazing time!
This is my second birthday in lockdown and yet it was incredible. I woke up feeling really excited and then I was wished happy birthday by my grandparents (socially distant of course) and I returned home where I found bunting saying 18 in the kitchen. My Mum and sister arrived from the shop shortly after I came home with a giant balloon.
After we all were together I started opening up my presents. My siblings, parents, cousins, aunts and uncles and grandparents got me the best stuff I could ever have asked for and I honestly loved every gift so much. It was so exciting and I felt very happy.
Later on I popped a bottle of champagne and drank some of that in my new 18th birthday glass I was given by my Mum. At dinner time my Dad made his famous homemade pizza and I got a whole one to myself!
As I blew the candles out of my cake; my siblings and I listened and sang along to iconic songs such as “Fireflies” by OwlCity, “How Bad Can I Be?” and “LetIt Grow” from The Lorax soundtrack and “I gotta feeling” by The Black Eyed Peas.
After dinner we all sat down with popcorn and watched Zac Snyder’s Justice League on NowTV. Even though it was four hours long – I loved the movie and the whole experience was great.
So as my birthday draws to a close I realised three things: 1. Turning 18 didn’t mean that everything was changing – it meant I was getting presents! 2. My OCD was really good today (It was barely affecting me at all!) 3. I had the best time ever.
Social media has positives. It allows us to communicate with family and friends for free. But it does come with a lot of negatives…
Whether it’s mother’s competing over whose child can make the best macaroni rocket picture or teen girls obsessing over other people’s appearances – social media has made an enormous impact on millennials and generation Z.
Something a lot of girls do is post pictures of themselves with friends. It fascinates me how most of the time the photo isn’t a memory, an event or because they’re having a good time – it’s done with fake smiles to tell their followers that they are friends and are having a great time. When you’re a teenage girl and you see two of your friends hanging out without you – it can really hurt, but at the same time many people feel obligated to post these pictures. Of course you should never not post a selfie with your friend just because you’re trying to make others feel included – all I’m saying is be yourself and don’t feel obligated to share pictures that are simply there to show you have friends – if they are true friends they’ll like you even if you don’t tag them. Also if you are one of those people who feels hurt when they see other people in massive group selfies – ones where you are neither invited to be nor part of – remember something: However happy they all seem in that photo, they are seldom that happy and friendly when the camera is off.
I’ve noticed that many very young girls’ Facebook/Instagram/Twitter profiles are of them doing the “duck face”. Young girls as young as nine are seen pouring in a provocative manner and it is really bizarre. There is something very wrong with our society when little girls are pouting on their public profile pictures.
Being a teenager is hard, growing up is hard. Growing up with social media – is terrible. I used to have Instagram (a personal account that followed my classmates etc) but all it did was make me miserable. I never even realised how miserable it made me until I was forced to take a break from it by my Mum. It had become an endless cycle of seeing other people’s perfect lives, bodies, friends and lifestyles and it made me upset. I saw the girls in my year with friends out together and celebrities looking stunning.
But when I took a step back from Instagram, (don’t get me wrong the first few weeks were frustrating, my thumb was aching to like the latest posts and scroll through my feed) but after a while, I felt relieved. What you don’t know can’t hurt you and whilst I wasn’t up to date with who was dating who or which Kardashian posted which naked selfie – I was happier.
I still look at social media but I do it either through my blog or anonymously without following anyone I know in real life. I don’t use Instagram at all other than for my blog-though I barely use it for that either – because it just makes me upset.
Talking about looks and appearances, whether they’re celebrities or classmates one thing is consistent across social media, most people look perfect. Despite the irrational idea that these celebrities really look that good at every angle at every moment. In short, no, they don’t.
To prove how easy it is to manipulate the way we look online I’ve done a little experiment of my own. I took a few pictures today of myself – not looking my best. I gave myself 25 seconds on each photo to edit or use a filter and this is what I did. Bear in mind this was in 25 seconds, imagine what someone could do with professional assistance and time spent on getting good lighting and angles.
So my advice: put your phone down, take a break from social media and do something fun. Whether it be listening to music, reading a book or making a scrapbook-just stop comparing yourself to those fake pictures.
Later today I’ll have to complete my personal statement and do various other administrative jobs like checking e-mails or revising for a geography test. Though these tasks seem fickle in comparison to the fact that I’m going against my nature and resisting the urge to listen to my OCD.
The day after a breakdown is worse than the breakdown itself. I feel nausous and drained, like everything in the world is wrong.
I’m wearing a bunch of jewellery today. For the reason that is that my OCD is telling me that If I wear it, I will ruin it and contaminate it. So I’m wearing a shocking amount of expensive jewellery for a Friday morning which I’m not seeing anyone but well, here we are.
I bought a new ring from Pandora a few days ago. It is the new Cinderella ring that I bought with my own money. It’s beautiful and currently on my fingers. My OCD is whispering your going to ruin it Lucy, It is being contaminated right now and will become even more contaminated after you go to McDonalds’s today. It’s hard to drown the voice out and almost amusing that my metaphorical demon is concerned about a drivethru.
I know why I’m “concerned” about going to McDonald’s, my favourite new intrusive thought – conjealed beef fat – partly originated there. No matter how hard I tell myself that it’s not going to ruin anything (to be fair I don’t tell myself this as much as I should) it still hurts.
That’s the main problem with OCD isn’t it? I think people assume when someone has OCD that when they have a breakdown it’s because something isn’t perfect and they feel stressed. Of course there is stress.
But the main problem is that when you stop giving into your OCD it feels like the world is wrong. There is no romantic, Hallmark movie type panic. You feel like you want to crawl out of your own body and scream. The world feels dirty and disgusting and you can either give in and dull the pain momentarily making the world feel more in control, more good, more clean…or you can feel the agony of years of ingrained beliefs being ignored, you can suffer through the revulsion of whatever the OCD makes you think is the cause of your life’s problems in the hope that eventually after ripping off the bandaid, the pain will go away.
It did for me last time. My OCD was still there and obviously it lingered and grew in strength the more times I gave in a little but it can be done. You can go cold turkey on your compulsions. It just hurts a great deal.
I’ve been feeling sad today and for the past week or so. There is no fancy adjective, metaphor or phrase to be used except to say I feel depressed. Various things and events have led to this saddness and various things and events continue to make me sad. However just the smallest thing today really made me feel better.
Despite my deppression the news that the necklace I had ordered from Etsy had arrived made me so happy. I had recently purchased an Elena Gilbert inspired locket necklace by Italian jewellery maker Lisa Carbone (LAcchiappasogni). It is amazing quality and looks exactly like Elena’s. The packaging was beautiful – I even got a free gift of beautiful earrings! Despite feeling so down and miserable today having my new necklace made me finally feel really, really happy.
Sometimes little things can make a big difference and today a little bit of retail therapy and happiness really did.