My ears are blocked. Both the right and left ear have blockages of wax but the left is especially bad. My ears have always been a problem for me but right now it’s been terrible. What’s more terrible is that I have exams at the moment.
I’ve been very sick recently. There is an intense pressure in my left year, so intense that I’ve been sick and have been experiencing dizziness. What’s more is that the pressure in my ears is making hearing other people extremely difficult. I can genuinely not hear out of my left ear at all aside from the occassional burst of tinnitus.
It’s been hard to go to bed. Usually I listen to ASMR to help me sleep but I can’t hear it out of the left ear and the sound reverberates from my right one as a result. It’s extremely upsetting and frustrating. I have exams to do and I am struggling to sit up.
I had my ears syringed yesterday but that only removed the outer wax and the majority was stuck there. I have to keep studying. I have to go to school tommorrow. Wish me luck.
The exams for the second year in a row have been cancelled and I’m not sure how I’m feeling. On one hand I’m glad that we now know (kind of) what is going on. On the other, I’m scared about all the complex marking systems, I’m scared about the fact that the senior year students will likely have a shorter year since their are no final exams and most of all I am scared about leaving school, my friends and my routine.
This years exam results are crucial to either getting into or being rejected to university. The last year of high school means there are no do-overs next year for I will not be there anymore. This puts the pressure on regardless and the added distrust towards the Scottish Qualifications Authority since the disaster last year does not help.
I’ve been in school for the majority of my life – I’m used to school. I may not like it all the time, I may find it hard and I may find it impossible but I feel like I need it. The cancellations of the exams means that I’m going to have to deal with leaving the security of school. School is not a choice. It is mandatory and requires no life-changing decisions to be made. When I leave school I’ll have to make choices, make decisions and grow up and the exams being cancelled is the somewhat convoluted path my brain is taking to convince myself that I’m going to be facing my ‘school’ extensional crisis sooner.
I have a few good friends in school. I have every confidence that my best friend and I will keep in contact and that is brilliant but some of my other good friends and I will inevitably drift apart. It’s hard for someone like me who struggled her whole life to make friends, finally does and then realises that she will lose them to time and distance.
That’s life of course, people move on, they drift apart, a quote from a children’s book I used to like “real friends let each other grow up” rings true here. I thought I’d be in school forever as it often felt like it – but the truth is that it’s coming to an end. I’m going to have to accept that I’ll have to grow up, the announcement of the exams being cancelled further fuels my “growing up” anxiety and the only thing I can do is accept this.
For now though, I’m going to allow myself be sad for a little while.