The Night Before Prom

Dear Diary,

I’ve said goodbye to many teachers who have supported me and whom I genuinely care about. My last day is tomorrow evening where I’ll go to prom, enjoy a meal and get my high school graduation certificate.

I’m nervous for tomorrow but also so excited. I have a beautiful dress, I’m getting my hair professionally done, I have beautiful accessories and makeup and I’m so excited!

I’m currently painting my toenails for the prom and I’m going to choose my jewellery – I’m definitely wearing my Elena vervain locket and my Elena ring as well as some of my Pandora charms.

I have a busy day tomorrow so I’m going to get some sleep. This may be the shortest blog post in the history of humanity but I want to record how I’m feeling.

Take care and wish me luck!

Medusa

The nail polish I’m wearing to prom tomorrow.
The beautiful bow my neighbour made that I’m wearing tomorrow!

University Decision: Post-Making My Choice

Dear Diary,

I’ve chosen a course that in part surprised me. I know that I can excel at it and I am genuinely excited to get started!

Of course there are the wriggling doubts, the fears, the nagging voice in the back of my head whispering that I’ve made a huge mistake – which sucks but is also normal. I got into a fantastic course that may not have been my ‘dream course’ but is something that I love and can’t wait to begin.

So yes with the celebration comes slight mourning – mourning for a S1 girl’s dream and mourning for the countless other opportunities that every choice we make in life limits you to.

But despite some sadness and anxiety; I feel relieved. I have a clear view of what I’ve got to do and how I’m going to do it and that feels really good.

I am very happy and I think that this course will not only be badass, exciting and that guarantees a career; but will also make me happy in life.

Only time will tell but today is a good day and it requires a celebration – one preferably when I’m neither sunburnt or exhausted from adrenaline. One thing is for sure; I can’t wait to get started!

Take Care.

Medusa.

Miss Independent

Dear Diary,

It’s time to start being independent. It’s true, I’ve been over reliant on other people emotionally and in terms of looking after me.

During a phase of about 5 years I didn’t understand what having a family ‘meant’. It’s not that I didn’t have one, I’ve been lucky enough to always have a wonderful family but my brain failed to understand what that truly meant.

So after I realised ( with the help of TV funnily enough ) what it meant to be a family – I started over relying on it.

I’d spent so long not being able to emotionally interact with my family that when I finally learned, I went all in. I over rely on family members and people I admire to look after me. I try and do and belief things that exactly align with what they do and belief because I have a lack of self-identity.

It’s time to start taking care of myself. I’m an adult now and it’s time to take responsibility for the cleanliness of my room, my medication and other aspects of my life. It’s time to start being more independent.

Medusa.

Ear Blockage & Stress

Dear Diary,

My ears are blocked. Both the right and left ear have blockages of wax but the left is especially bad. My ears have always been a problem for me but right now it’s been terrible. What’s more terrible is that I have exams at the moment.

I’ve been very sick recently. There is an intense pressure in my left year, so intense that I’ve been sick and have been experiencing dizziness. What’s more is that the pressure in my ears is making hearing other people extremely difficult. I can genuinely not hear out of my left ear at all aside from the occassional burst of tinnitus.

It’s been hard to go to bed. Usually I listen to ASMR to help me sleep but I can’t hear it out of the left ear and the sound reverberates from my right one as a result. It’s extremely upsetting and frustrating. I have exams to do and I am struggling to sit up.

I had my ears syringed yesterday but that only removed the outer wax and the majority was stuck there. I have to keep studying. I have to go to school tommorrow. Wish me luck.

Medusa.

Knowing My Limits.

Dear Diary,

I’ve come to the realisation that I’m not doing great at a subject I’ve been sudying for a year. I don’t want to quit it as I may aswell carry on to potentially recieve a pass but I’m not feeling great about it.

I keep thinking ‘I should have studied more’, ‘I should have done this – I was capable of doing this’ and ‘I’ve let myself down’. However in all these angry self-hating thoughts never have I allowed myself to think of the reasons why I’ve struggled.

The lockdowns, the not being able to do my routines, not being able to go to my appointments in person, feeling really unhappy and dealing with my OCD. All these factors and more have all added to my stress and inability to focus.

Despite knowing this, despite logically acknowledging that these things are true – I don’t believe it. I just feel bad. My brain hurts and I feel bad. I could be doing more but I’m going to go to bed.

Medusa.

Difficult Thoughts

Dear Diary,

Trigger Warning: If you are experiencing dark thoughts please don’t read further.

To give some context; I have an implant placed in my arm to stop my period, which worked up until a few months ago. I’m now going through my monthly cycle once more and all the hormones and emotions of this. (I will be seeing a medical professional soon to fix the implant or to go on the mini-pill.)

Note: I know my family reading this are going to be sad by all this – I personally don’t know why but I’m autistic and sometimes lack emotional understanding – but I don’t want to upset them. But I think it’s important to document the bad things and not just the good.

About a half hour ago; I got really upset. I was feeling insecure and then suddenly I wanted to cease to exist. I jumped to “I want to die” rather quickly in my tired brain and this was not pleasant.

And then the moment passed and I’m sort of okay again. These thoughts occur to me I’m moments of extreme anxiety or sadness. To clarify I never actually harm myself in ANY way before, during or after these thoughts occur.

The problem is that if I’m overtired; extremely stressed; upset or depressed – thoughts like I wish to be dead are inevitably more frequent.

I’m currently on my period and I’m very emotional and hormonal which added onto my exam anxiety and general depression – equals a very mentally vulnerable me.

But these semi-suicidal feelings are always at a moment of frustration and anxiety. And they never have a plan. I hate pain and I don’t really want to die – I just don’t want to live anymore.

It’s weird that I think like this but I’m concerned that I’m going to die of this in the future. It won’t be anytime soon, but maybe in about thirty years – I’m not going to have the energy to fight it anymore – not because I’m ‘old’ but because it’s a long time to deal with OCD and depression.

That being said I’m by no way encouraging other people to have this mindset. This blog post is about things I need to work through and deal with; not things for others to emulate.

If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts please contact The Samaritans : 116 123 free of charge from any landline or mobile.

Note: As I’m editing this I came across an article that basically summed up how I’ve been feeling in a much more clear way. If you have similar feelings to me please go look at this by Hattie Gladwell. https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/suicidal-but-afraid-to-die

To Make A Choice To Try

Dear Diary,

I had a choice today; a simple choice that could make a huge difference in my life.

I’ve been feeling like I don’t want to be here anymore for a few weeks now (not suicidal – just a wish to not exist). A feeling that if there was a magic button and I had a choice to remove myself from existence, I’d press it.

The world has felt bad and I’ve been feeling miserable. My OCD is bad, my self-esteem is bad and my anxiety is through the roof and whenever this happens a simple question goes through my mind “Things are always going to end up like this so what’s the bloody point?”.

I suppose it’s normal to be negative whilst being depressed but it still sucks. Knowing that I’m going to have to deal with my autism related OCD and anxiety for the rest of my life is horrible to think about and it hurts to think about.

Whilst being in this vortex of misery other aspects of your life gets sucked in too – aspects such as your schoolwork, your appearance and the tidiness of your room. As seemingly inconsequential as these three things seem, they all add up and lead to a very depressing situation.

So after all that; my choice came today. My exams are starting in the next week – exams I’m woefully underprepared for – and the thought of doing any studying felt impossible. It was physically and mentally straining to pull out my textbooks and open my laptop. I confess I nearly quit twice and I nearly threw my laptop in frustration.

But I chose to keep studying; and I ended up doing some good revision. Despite every part of me wanting to curl up in my bed and want to die – I chose to do something productive and it has made me feel better. Schoolwork feels that little bit less worrisome and I feel more in control of my life.

I’m still not feeling 100% – or even 50% but it’s a start and after today I want to keep trying.

Feeling Bad

Dear Diary,

Things feel for lack of a better word – weird. My OCD is not great and my depression is suffering right now. I don’t feel right and I don’t know why.

I feel like I’m drowning in uncertainty. I feel like I can’t breath and like any second I’m going to crumble into a billion pieces. My mind feels frazzled due to the OCD and anxiety and I don’t know how to make myself feel better.

I feel almost lost for words. The feeling I feel is that of constant anticipation for something bad to happen despite nothing suggesting that this is true. Maybe it’s the post-lockdown worry, maybe it’s that I’ve got school tomorrow or maybe it’s another thing entirely; the problem is that it sucks.

I’m refusing to make an effort in my appearance. I’m finding it hard to find the willpower to brush my hair and feel no motivation in making myself look nice which for a teenager is difficult to deal with.

Contamination is there but not the worst OCD-related thing that I’ve been struggling with. My main problem is avoidance – I’ve been avoiding touching my scrapbook, my jewellery and certain belongings.

I just want a magic wand to be waved curing me of all my problems. It’s really hard to give a damn about anything right now. When breathing feels like an anticipatory move for an unseen threat coming from my own mind – it’s difficult to do anything except play video games and hope that I’ll wake up the next day feeling better.

I fear my mind is going to break and that I’m going to be sent down a path of anxiety and depression that I’ll never get out of. This of course is nonsense – no emotion can last forever but it’s a fear nonetheless. I suppose that’s common for fears though, they tend to be semi-unrealistic.

It’s late now so I’m going to go and brush my teeth and get some rest. I have no clue how I feel about school tomorrow, but that’s the beauty of autism isn’t it?

Medusa.

Recovering From A Low

Dear Diary,

After my epic birthday I crashed. Not as far as I sometimes go, but far enough to cause disturbance in my life. My OCD and insecurities have been terrible so much to the extent that I wouldn’t reply to an e-mail giving my photo and getting included in the school yearbook…yeah, I’m not doing great.

I’ve not been scrapbooking due to OCD. I bought a bunch of stupid-ass clothes from a shopping site – all of which I’ve returned – because I wanted to be as pretty as the models and I thought that it would make me for lack of a better word “good“. I’ve been struggiling to adapt to the whole gradual school return. I’ve not been keeping track of my planner or doing any real schoolwork. I’m just kind of there.

It’s hard to get out of this kind of low feeling becuase whilst there is so much that I should be working towards or getting excited for – I can’t help but only see lockdown in the future. The pandemic if anything, has made me very short-term.

If I’m being honest I don’t know how to stop feeling so sad. I have no goddamn clue what I should do to get my mind and life back on track. The only thing that I know is that tomorrow is a new day and I’m going to make an attempt for some positive change: Waking up earlier, practicing driving with my Mum, doing some french revision, writing some more of my english dissertation and, finally buying some clothes that I actually like.

Fingers crossed tomorrow will be better. Take care.

My 18th Birthday

Dear Diary,

Yesterday, or rather a few hours ago was my 18th birthday and I had an amazing time!

This is my second birthday in lockdown and yet it was incredible. I woke up feeling really excited and then I was wished happy birthday by my grandparents (socially distant of course) and I returned home where I found bunting saying 18 in the kitchen. My Mum and sister arrived from the shop shortly after I came home with a giant balloon.

After we all were together I started opening up my presents. My siblings, parents, cousins, aunts and uncles and grandparents got me the best stuff I could ever have asked for and I honestly loved every gift so much. It was so exciting and I felt very happy.

Later on I popped a bottle of champagne and drank some of that in my new 18th birthday glass I was given by my Mum. At dinner time my Dad made his famous homemade pizza and I got a whole one to myself!

As I blew the candles out of my cake; my siblings and I listened and sang along to iconic songs such as “Fireflies” by OwlCity, “How Bad Can I Be?” and “Let It Grow” from The Lorax soundtrack and “I gotta feeling” by The Black Eyed Peas.

After dinner we all sat down with popcorn and watched Zac Snyder’s Justice League on NowTV. Even though it was four hours long – I loved the movie and the whole experience was great.

So as my birthday draws to a close I realised three things: 1. Turning 18 didn’t mean that everything was changing – it meant I was getting presents! 2. My OCD was really good today (It was barely affecting me at all!) 3. I had the best time ever.

Thanks for reading!

🎉🥳🎊
My birthday balloon!🎈🎈🎈