University Decision: Post-Making My Choice

Dear Diary,

I’ve chosen a course that in part surprised me. I know that I can excel at it and I am genuinely excited to get started!

Of course there are the wriggling doubts, the fears, the nagging voice in the back of my head whispering that I’ve made a huge mistake – which sucks but is also normal. I got into a fantastic course that may not have been my ‘dream course’ but is something that I love and can’t wait to begin.

So yes with the celebration comes slight mourning – mourning for a S1 girl’s dream and mourning for the countless other opportunities that every choice we make in life limits you to.

But despite some sadness and anxiety; I feel relieved. I have a clear view of what I’ve got to do and how I’m going to do it and that feels really good.

I am very happy and I think that this course will not only be badass, exciting and that guarantees a career; but will also make me happy in life.

Only time will tell but today is a good day and it requires a celebration – one preferably when I’m neither sunburnt or exhausted from adrenaline. One thing is for sure; I can’t wait to get started!

Take Care.

Medusa.

University Decision: Pre-Making the choice

Dear Diary,

The time is here – well a mere matter of hours away – for me to decide where I want to go to university and what course I want to take.

There are a few things for me to consider in the next short while. There are things to consider about both my capabilities my dreams and what the hell I want to do with the rest of my life.

I’m an insecure eighteen year old with autism and mental health problems; trapped in the mindspace of a primary one girl, who longs to be accepted and liked by the other kids in the playground. A girl who can’t understand why people don’t like her. I’m someone who lacks confiction in her decisions without letting on to the fact. I’m someone who still struggles to understand how she could possibly be autistic one day and on another day can’t touch her belongings because her OCD is too bad.

This is why I’m scared. I’m scared that I’m going to end up miserable in two ways:

Reason 1: I’m scared that by picking one choice I will be passing up on an opportunity I have always wanted and may never get again. I’m terrified that I am choosing based on fear of the unknown. That I’m using any excuse to not take a leap of faith and do something I’ve wanted to do since I was little. I’m afraid that I’ll end up filled with regret and anger at myself.

Reason 2: I’m scared that if I pick something and take a leap of faith it won’t work and I’ll be disheartened, sad and crushed. I’m scared that I’ll not be able to manage the course either by being not good enough at the course or by having a mental breakdown, or by both. I’m scared that I’ll miss an opportunity to discover what I want to do by rushing into an idea that could make or break me. I could take my time and see, try something and then if I can do it – move on to my dream course (if it remains that).

I’m so scared of regret, I have enough of it from my years of letting my OCD control my life and I don’t want to add to it. But whatever I do regret is always a risk.

I need to spend the next few hours thinking. Will post after I make my choice.

Medusa.

To Make A Choice To Try

Dear Diary,

I had a choice today; a simple choice that could make a huge difference in my life.

I’ve been feeling like I don’t want to be here anymore for a few weeks now (not suicidal – just a wish to not exist). A feeling that if there was a magic button and I had a choice to remove myself from existence, I’d press it.

The world has felt bad and I’ve been feeling miserable. My OCD is bad, my self-esteem is bad and my anxiety is through the roof and whenever this happens a simple question goes through my mind “Things are always going to end up like this so what’s the bloody point?”.

I suppose it’s normal to be negative whilst being depressed but it still sucks. Knowing that I’m going to have to deal with my autism related OCD and anxiety for the rest of my life is horrible to think about and it hurts to think about.

Whilst being in this vortex of misery other aspects of your life gets sucked in too – aspects such as your schoolwork, your appearance and the tidiness of your room. As seemingly inconsequential as these three things seem, they all add up and lead to a very depressing situation.

So after all that; my choice came today. My exams are starting in the next week – exams I’m woefully underprepared for – and the thought of doing any studying felt impossible. It was physically and mentally straining to pull out my textbooks and open my laptop. I confess I nearly quit twice and I nearly threw my laptop in frustration.

But I chose to keep studying; and I ended up doing some good revision. Despite every part of me wanting to curl up in my bed and want to die – I chose to do something productive and it has made me feel better. Schoolwork feels that little bit less worrisome and I feel more in control of my life.

I’m still not feeling 100% – or even 50% but it’s a start and after today I want to keep trying.

Feeling Bad

Dear Diary,

Things feel for lack of a better word – weird. My OCD is not great and my depression is suffering right now. I don’t feel right and I don’t know why.

I feel like I’m drowning in uncertainty. I feel like I can’t breath and like any second I’m going to crumble into a billion pieces. My mind feels frazzled due to the OCD and anxiety and I don’t know how to make myself feel better.

I feel almost lost for words. The feeling I feel is that of constant anticipation for something bad to happen despite nothing suggesting that this is true. Maybe it’s the post-lockdown worry, maybe it’s that I’ve got school tomorrow or maybe it’s another thing entirely; the problem is that it sucks.

I’m refusing to make an effort in my appearance. I’m finding it hard to find the willpower to brush my hair and feel no motivation in making myself look nice which for a teenager is difficult to deal with.

Contamination is there but not the worst OCD-related thing that I’ve been struggling with. My main problem is avoidance – I’ve been avoiding touching my scrapbook, my jewellery and certain belongings.

I just want a magic wand to be waved curing me of all my problems. It’s really hard to give a damn about anything right now. When breathing feels like an anticipatory move for an unseen threat coming from my own mind – it’s difficult to do anything except play video games and hope that I’ll wake up the next day feeling better.

I fear my mind is going to break and that I’m going to be sent down a path of anxiety and depression that I’ll never get out of. This of course is nonsense – no emotion can last forever but it’s a fear nonetheless. I suppose that’s common for fears though, they tend to be semi-unrealistic.

It’s late now so I’m going to go and brush my teeth and get some rest. I have no clue how I feel about school tomorrow, but that’s the beauty of autism isn’t it?

Medusa.

Recovering From A Low

Dear Diary,

After my epic birthday I crashed. Not as far as I sometimes go, but far enough to cause disturbance in my life. My OCD and insecurities have been terrible so much to the extent that I wouldn’t reply to an e-mail giving my photo and getting included in the school yearbook…yeah, I’m not doing great.

I’ve not been scrapbooking due to OCD. I bought a bunch of stupid-ass clothes from a shopping site – all of which I’ve returned – because I wanted to be as pretty as the models and I thought that it would make me for lack of a better word “good“. I’ve been struggiling to adapt to the whole gradual school return. I’ve not been keeping track of my planner or doing any real schoolwork. I’m just kind of there.

It’s hard to get out of this kind of low feeling becuase whilst there is so much that I should be working towards or getting excited for – I can’t help but only see lockdown in the future. The pandemic if anything, has made me very short-term.

If I’m being honest I don’t know how to stop feeling so sad. I have no goddamn clue what I should do to get my mind and life back on track. The only thing that I know is that tomorrow is a new day and I’m going to make an attempt for some positive change: Waking up earlier, practicing driving with my Mum, doing some french revision, writing some more of my english dissertation and, finally buying some clothes that I actually like.

Fingers crossed tomorrow will be better. Take care.

Sensory Problems

Dear Diary,

I’ve been having what I think are sensory problems.

My back, face and neck particularly are a soruce of great distress for me at the moment. My back feels especially uncomfortable and it being at a place that I can’t see and touch without a back scratcher or a mirror is only adding to this.

It feels like my back as little scabs on it (it doesn’t) and I can’t “stop it”.

Of course some of this may be due to the fact that I get a lot of acne but even even if I don’t have it bad or it’s not painful – I feel really uncomfortable and distressed.

So over the last few days I’ve been really, really struggling with myself and my sadness but I’m doing better today and this is mainly due to some advice on of the pupil support teachers gave me. I was recommended to contact my autism support and I did, sending an email in my lunch hall and asking for advice/support.

I we since doing that I’ve felt a lot better, very tired after crying for twenty minutes, but better nonetheless.

I’m going to try and get on with my day and enjoy my birthday on Saturday.