Today was my Restart Day where I tried to get myself sorted both in terms of my mood and my OCD/autism.
I feel a lot more positive about my life. I no longer feel ‘contaminated’ and no longer feel like anything is ruined by me. It’s not the same thing as giving into my OCD, more like appreciating that there are correlations between what I myself feel comfortable with due to my autism and a harmful coping mechanism. I will do a blog post in the future exploring this further.
For dinner my Mum made me gammon steak (which she cut up into strips) to allow me to eat easier. It was really nice and despite the chewing causing my jaw to still be tired – it was an improvement that allowed me to actually enjoy my meal! The frustration of being unable to gobble up my food, rather than spend hours at the meal table, was still there, but my overall happy attitude made all this seem inconsequential and I enjoyed my dinner.
Tomorrow my Mum is taking me and my sister to Morrisons cafe for breakfast and I’m very much looking forward to this.
It has been a success but of course I’m still feeling funny. My OCD is not brilliant but it is by no means the state it was yesterday and the day before that. I also still am finding my mobility a problem. I went out to the car today for a trip down the shops (although I didn’t go into the shop) and back which was good but I also struggled to get up off the toilet earlier this evening. It’s swings and roundabouts in terms of progress.
Perhaps my new anxiety is also due to my officially deferring from university for another year and all this floating anxiety is, at least in part, caused by the consequent sadness. It’s a bittersweet feeling that is also weighed down by my inevitable tiredness from lack of sleep over the last few days. If anyone has any experience with autism spectrum disorder/mental health problems/etc you’ll know that the chemical equation:
Lack of sleep + OCD/Insert condition —> Disaster
I am keeping myself collected and calm as much as I’m able and I hope that tomorrow after a good night sleep, I’ll find it even easier tomorrow.