Ear Blockage & Stress

Dear Diary,

My ears are blocked. Both the right and left ear have blockages of wax but the left is especially bad. My ears have always been a problem for me but right now it’s been terrible. What’s more terrible is that I have exams at the moment.

I’ve been very sick recently. There is an intense pressure in my left year, so intense that I’ve been sick and have been experiencing dizziness. What’s more is that the pressure in my ears is making hearing other people extremely difficult. I can genuinely not hear out of my left ear at all aside from the occassional burst of tinnitus.

It’s been hard to go to bed. Usually I listen to ASMR to help me sleep but I can’t hear it out of the left ear and the sound reverberates from my right one as a result. It’s extremely upsetting and frustrating. I have exams to do and I am struggling to sit up.

I had my ears syringed yesterday but that only removed the outer wax and the majority was stuck there. I have to keep studying. I have to go to school tommorrow. Wish me luck.

Medusa.

Sleep, Mental Health And ASMR

Dear Diary,

Between school, stress, mental health issues and general life – sleep has been a bit of a struggle and I’m sure I’m not the only one who has been struggiling with it.

After weeks of going to bed late and waking up annoyed in the middle of the night needing to pee – I realised I needed to make some big changes to my life.

A while back I’d heard of a new phenomenon called ASMR (autonomous sensory meridian response) which had been featuring in my YouTube recommended for many a month. Eventually on a tired night I clicked on one and the result of doing so was amazing.

ASMR videos feature the ASMR “artists” doing various diferent “triggers” to create a relaxing tingle that begins at your scalp. The “triggers” include whispers, tapping, crinkling, typing and roleplay; spa, salon, getting your hair cut, sleep clinic and more!

At first that “tingle” sensation was not there for me and I was confused about what all the fuss was about, that was until I found certain YouTube ASMR artists who do “triggers” that are very relaxing and nice. Having to listen to a few different artists in a few different videos to find your ‘thing’ is not unusual and you may end up loving it.

I (try to) listen to ASMR when I’m in my pijamas, have brushed my teeth and whilst sitting on a comfortable chair in my room. I put on some headphones and lie back and de-stress.

More than just being relaxing – I find that sleep comes much easier after I’ve de-stressed using ASMR. I just feel generally more chilled and sleepy. If you have autism or mental health problems like me, or you are just struggling to sleep – ASMR is definitely worth trying out!

A list of some of three of my favourite YouTube ASMR artists are as following:

WhispersRed ASMR – Emma joined YouTube in 2013 and has had nearly 300,000,000 views on her channel in total. She is from London and has a very calming and motherly vibe in her videos and comes across as a really warm person. She does lots of sound therepy and ASMR relaxation.

Gibi ASMR – Gibi joined YouTube in 2016 and has over 1 billion views in total for her ASMR videos. Gibi makes lots of unique ASMR videos and comes across as a kind person that you’d love to be BFF’s with!

Batala’s ASMR – Batala has nearly 100 million YouTube views in total for her ASMR videos and joined in 2017. Her channel is very good for whispers and is my all-time favourite whisper ASMR channel.

Thanks for reading and I recommend checking out the ASMR channels above. Stay safe.

Medusa.

Difficult Thoughts

Dear Diary,

Trigger Warning: If you are experiencing dark thoughts please don’t read further.

To give some context; I have an implant placed in my arm to stop my period, which worked up until a few months ago. I’m now going through my monthly cycle once more and all the hormones and emotions of this. (I will be seeing a medical professional soon to fix the implant or to go on the mini-pill.)

Note: I know my family reading this are going to be sad by all this – I personally don’t know why but I’m autistic and sometimes lack emotional understanding – but I don’t want to upset them. But I think it’s important to document the bad things and not just the good.

About a half hour ago; I got really upset. I was feeling insecure and then suddenly I wanted to cease to exist. I jumped to “I want to die” rather quickly in my tired brain and this was not pleasant.

And then the moment passed and I’m sort of okay again. These thoughts occur to me I’m moments of extreme anxiety or sadness. To clarify I never actually harm myself in ANY way before, during or after these thoughts occur.

The problem is that if I’m overtired; extremely stressed; upset or depressed – thoughts like I wish to be dead are inevitably more frequent.

I’m currently on my period and I’m very emotional and hormonal which added onto my exam anxiety and general depression – equals a very mentally vulnerable me.

But these semi-suicidal feelings are always at a moment of frustration and anxiety. And they never have a plan. I hate pain and I don’t really want to die – I just don’t want to live anymore.

It’s weird that I think like this but I’m concerned that I’m going to die of this in the future. It won’t be anytime soon, but maybe in about thirty years – I’m not going to have the energy to fight it anymore – not because I’m ‘old’ but because it’s a long time to deal with OCD and depression.

That being said I’m by no way encouraging other people to have this mindset. This blog post is about things I need to work through and deal with; not things for others to emulate.

If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts please contact The Samaritans : 116 123 free of charge from any landline or mobile.

Note: As I’m editing this I came across an article that basically summed up how I’ve been feeling in a much more clear way. If you have similar feelings to me please go look at this by Hattie Gladwell. https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/suicidal-but-afraid-to-die

To Make A Choice To Try

Dear Diary,

I had a choice today; a simple choice that could make a huge difference in my life.

I’ve been feeling like I don’t want to be here anymore for a few weeks now (not suicidal – just a wish to not exist). A feeling that if there was a magic button and I had a choice to remove myself from existence, I’d press it.

The world has felt bad and I’ve been feeling miserable. My OCD is bad, my self-esteem is bad and my anxiety is through the roof and whenever this happens a simple question goes through my mind “Things are always going to end up like this so what’s the bloody point?”.

I suppose it’s normal to be negative whilst being depressed but it still sucks. Knowing that I’m going to have to deal with my autism related OCD and anxiety for the rest of my life is horrible to think about and it hurts to think about.

Whilst being in this vortex of misery other aspects of your life gets sucked in too – aspects such as your schoolwork, your appearance and the tidiness of your room. As seemingly inconsequential as these three things seem, they all add up and lead to a very depressing situation.

So after all that; my choice came today. My exams are starting in the next week – exams I’m woefully underprepared for – and the thought of doing any studying felt impossible. It was physically and mentally straining to pull out my textbooks and open my laptop. I confess I nearly quit twice and I nearly threw my laptop in frustration.

But I chose to keep studying; and I ended up doing some good revision. Despite every part of me wanting to curl up in my bed and want to die – I chose to do something productive and it has made me feel better. Schoolwork feels that little bit less worrisome and I feel more in control of my life.

I’m still not feeling 100% – or even 50% but it’s a start and after today I want to keep trying.

Feeling Bad

Dear Diary,

Things feel for lack of a better word – weird. My OCD is not great and my depression is suffering right now. I don’t feel right and I don’t know why.

I feel like I’m drowning in uncertainty. I feel like I can’t breath and like any second I’m going to crumble into a billion pieces. My mind feels frazzled due to the OCD and anxiety and I don’t know how to make myself feel better.

I feel almost lost for words. The feeling I feel is that of constant anticipation for something bad to happen despite nothing suggesting that this is true. Maybe it’s the post-lockdown worry, maybe it’s that I’ve got school tomorrow or maybe it’s another thing entirely; the problem is that it sucks.

I’m refusing to make an effort in my appearance. I’m finding it hard to find the willpower to brush my hair and feel no motivation in making myself look nice which for a teenager is difficult to deal with.

Contamination is there but not the worst OCD-related thing that I’ve been struggling with. My main problem is avoidance – I’ve been avoiding touching my scrapbook, my jewellery and certain belongings.

I just want a magic wand to be waved curing me of all my problems. It’s really hard to give a damn about anything right now. When breathing feels like an anticipatory move for an unseen threat coming from my own mind – it’s difficult to do anything except play video games and hope that I’ll wake up the next day feeling better.

I fear my mind is going to break and that I’m going to be sent down a path of anxiety and depression that I’ll never get out of. This of course is nonsense – no emotion can last forever but it’s a fear nonetheless. I suppose that’s common for fears though, they tend to be semi-unrealistic.

It’s late now so I’m going to go and brush my teeth and get some rest. I have no clue how I feel about school tomorrow, but that’s the beauty of autism isn’t it?

Medusa.

Recovering From A Low

Dear Diary,

After my epic birthday I crashed. Not as far as I sometimes go, but far enough to cause disturbance in my life. My OCD and insecurities have been terrible so much to the extent that I wouldn’t reply to an e-mail giving my photo and getting included in the school yearbook…yeah, I’m not doing great.

I’ve not been scrapbooking due to OCD. I bought a bunch of stupid-ass clothes from a shopping site – all of which I’ve returned – because I wanted to be as pretty as the models and I thought that it would make me for lack of a better word “good“. I’ve been struggiling to adapt to the whole gradual school return. I’ve not been keeping track of my planner or doing any real schoolwork. I’m just kind of there.

It’s hard to get out of this kind of low feeling becuase whilst there is so much that I should be working towards or getting excited for – I can’t help but only see lockdown in the future. The pandemic if anything, has made me very short-term.

If I’m being honest I don’t know how to stop feeling so sad. I have no goddamn clue what I should do to get my mind and life back on track. The only thing that I know is that tomorrow is a new day and I’m going to make an attempt for some positive change: Waking up earlier, practicing driving with my Mum, doing some french revision, writing some more of my english dissertation and, finally buying some clothes that I actually like.

Fingers crossed tomorrow will be better. Take care.

Sensory Problems

Dear Diary,

I’ve been having what I think are sensory problems.

My back, face and neck particularly are a soruce of great distress for me at the moment. My back feels especially uncomfortable and it being at a place that I can’t see and touch without a back scratcher or a mirror is only adding to this.

It feels like my back as little scabs on it (it doesn’t) and I can’t “stop it”.

Of course some of this may be due to the fact that I get a lot of acne but even even if I don’t have it bad or it’s not painful – I feel really uncomfortable and distressed.

So over the last few days I’ve been really, really struggling with myself and my sadness but I’m doing better today and this is mainly due to some advice on of the pupil support teachers gave me. I was recommended to contact my autism support and I did, sending an email in my lunch hall and asking for advice/support.

I we since doing that I’ve felt a lot better, very tired after crying for twenty minutes, but better nonetheless.

I’m going to try and get on with my day and enjoy my birthday on Saturday.

I Feel Defective

Dear Diary,

DISCLAIMER: This is going to be a very depressing post. I’m feeling very negative surrounding my autism and differences.

Today I feel bad. I feel guilty for saying this because it’s not very positive but it’s how I am currently feeling and so I’m going to share it. I feel like a mistake of a human being. I don’t work properly. I have OCD, low self-esteem and I have autism.

It’s not even autism that makes me so wrong. My problem is myself. There is no escape from being who I am and it is becoming very difficult to deal with. The autism just adds to it.

I feel like a broken toy in a factory conveyer belt. I was the one mistake in a perfect batch of toys and no matter how hard the factory workers try, I can’t be fixed.

My brain doesn’t work properly and I’m feeling more and more aware of this fact every single day. I just want to be normal and I just want to be able to not be autistic for a day to see if what I’m feeling is autistic or just an average emotion.

My brain just doesn’t work properly. Explaining how or why is impossible – a bit like describing a colour to someone who can’t see. All I know is that there is something wrong with my brain and I can’t fix it.

I want the autism to be erased; like how the toy repairman from Toy Story 2 wipes over the signature of Andy’s name with paint, leaving him perfect. I want to be free to not have to constantly fight or give in to my OCD and I want the chance to be an average person who has the average social skills and an average brain.

It feels never ending today. It feels like I’m trapped in my own stupid brain that does not understand how to be a human. My brain does not work and consequently I do not work and there is nothing I can do except struggle.

But what do you do with the broken parts of a toy? Perhaps you make something new out of it. Or perhaps you chuck them in the bin. Time will tell.

Thanks for reading. I’m sorry if this is depressing. Bear in mind that I do not think there is anything wrong with being autistic or having mental health problems – I’m just kind of the personification of “Don’t let me get me” By P!nk today.

Today I just feel so desperately unhappy and it’s hard.

First Day Back At School After Lockdown

Dear Diary,

Today I started back at high school. The morning resulted in me being very positive (with a minor dent in my positivity due to catching my appearance in my iPhone camera) and I saw my friend. Additionally I am exempt from wearing a mask – an exemption I ignored until it was stated that we would have to wear our masks in class and I didn’t want to do that, so I got my lanyard out. Things were looking up.

For the first couple hours I happily read in the canteen socially distant from everyone. After a while I had a good conversation with a teacher surrounding a book I was reading. Everything was fine until lunch came and for the first time in many months I was sat down in the freezing cold outside with my best friend eating lunch. Lunch is hard enough on its own with OCD; being cold is unpleasant for anyone; But maintaining a conversation in person that was acceptable, even with a friend, for the first time in months felt like a disaster.

My social skills are at a low. I see my best friend and I say how much I missed them, giving them the latest news and listening to my friend say the same. After that I start rambling about politics, controversial topics and other societal issues because I am incapable of being a seventeen year old girl who is not autistic for five seconds. It reminds me of the time as a child where a friend visited my house and all I wanted to do was plan a book with them despite the fact that we were ten. But I digress, I feel really upset and frustrated with myself.

I want to blame my autism on this. I want to say that the autism made me do it akin to how the devil allegedly corrupts innocent people making them do things they otherwise wouldn’t – but I can’t. I want to blame my autism but I feel like I must blame myself. What’s myself and what’s my autism? Maybe the problem is separating the two.

Feeling The Panic Build – Dealing With Anxiety & Depression

Dear Diary,

I am feeling nervous. For what? Perhaps due to residual stress having done an interview with a university, perhaps from lockdown or something else entirely, the result remains the same. I am beginning to lose it.

I feel the panic in me rising and it’s an unpleasant feeling. I feel like a ticking time-bomb that will go off with any sudden movement and all I can do is try to minimise the damage it will do when it goes off.

I’m worried that when my OCD gets worse, -as it inevitabely does when I get more anxious- I will be too consumed with them to focus on more important issues such as university, school and homework.

It’s moments like this when I hate being me. I am so frustrated that I have OCD, that I have autism, that I am me. I almost wish I could remove my brain temporarily, give it a shake, run it under the cold tap and then plop it back in my skull again. – I don’t quite know where I was going with that but you get my gist.

Being anxious is not cool and waiting for your OCD and depression’s comeback is even less so. I’m currently in my clothes and dressing gown with smudged makeup, drinking apple juice and feeling bloated by eating a tube of sour cream and onion Pringles – I’m not the Hollywood anxious teenager.

I’m going to brush my teeth and go to bed. In the morning I need to figure out a reason to get out of my bed and stop feeling angry at my brain.