I am feeling nervous. For what? Perhaps due to residual stress having done an interview with a university, perhaps from lockdown or something else entirely, the result remains the same. I am beginning to lose it.
I feel the panic in me rising and it’s an unpleasant feeling. I feel like a ticking time-bomb that will go off with any sudden movement and all I can do is try to minimise the damage it will do when it goes off.
I’m worried that when my OCD gets worse, -as it inevitabely does when I get more anxious- I will be too consumed with them to focus on more important issues such as university, school and homework.
It’s moments like this when I hate being me. I am so frustrated that I have OCD, that I have autism, that I am me. I almost wish I could remove my brain temporarily, give it a shake, run it under the cold tap and then plop it back in my skull again. – I don’t quite know where I was going with that but you get my gist.
Being anxious is not cool and waiting for your OCD and depression’s comeback is even less so. I’m currently in my clothes and dressing gown with smudged makeup, drinking apple juice and feeling bloated by eating a tube of sour cream and onion Pringles – I’m not the Hollywood anxious teenager.
I’m going to brush my teeth and go to bed. In the morning I need to figure out a reason to get out of my bed and stop feeling angry at my brain.