I’m Off The Deep End

Dear Diary,

I’m still not doing good. That shouldn’t be a surprise. Right now I just don’t care about anything. I’ve showered now three nights in a row giving into my OCD and it feels acceptable. Avoiding going into my room and scrapbooking due to spilling some ketchup on my leggings feels acceptable now.

I can’t care enough to study. I can’t make myself care enough to try and cope. I’m not sitting and crying and I’m not depressed enough to not care about contamination but I’m by no means happy.

I was so anxious about contaminating my room with ketchup that I spent hours in my little brothers room during the day. I was sleeping in his bed, my logic being that if I have a shower now when I go for dinner I could get “contaminated” and then I’d have to shower again. So instead I opted for sleeping in order to make the day go quicker.

I don’t want to be better and that’s the problem. I don’t feel any motivation or need to not feel like this anymore. The worst part is that I know that I could probably force myself to fight back against my OCD, it’s just that I don’t want to. There doesn’t seem to be a point.

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