I’m not sure what exactly, about the Christmas experience is the root cause of all my crippiling mental health problems during this time. Perhaps it’s the expectation to be happy, the overall hustle and bustle of Christmas or something else entirely but I every year find myself in a dark place.
My OCD is nowhere near as horrific at Christmas time as it used to be when I was younger but the ghosts of OCD Christmas’ past still haunt me. Not just the memories of being so unhappy and anxious, not just the saddness that I wasted so much of my childhood consumed with OCD but also because the similar, familiar feelings of anxiety, guilt and depression greet me again.
Today is the 19th of December and I’m off on my Christmas holiday’s, except all I’m feeling is guilt. I feel guilty for things I may or may not have said, done or felt during the darkest periods of my life. I feel guilty for not liking people for reasons I can’t completely remember. I feel guilty for my social failures then and now. I feel guilty for not being able to understand others’ feelings when I was eleven and undiagnosed.
I’m scared for Christmas. I’m scared that I’ll fall into old patterns and give in to my OCD so much so that it ruins my whole day. I’m frightened that I’m going to fall into a depression that never ends. I’m scared that I won’t enjoy Christmas.
I remember so many Christmas’ where I cried and washed my hands compulsively to the extend that they bled. I remember my shoulders aching with pain because I was holding myself in a way as to not touch certain things. I remember being so anxious and unhappy.
So what should I do? That’s the million dollar question. For now however I’m going to focus on not going into a coma of misery each hour until the feelings of stress, sadness, guilt and whatever else subsides.
Will update soon. Hope everyone else is feeling okay.