Where to begin? Ever since my intrusive thought a while back, I’ve not been coping very well. If I’m being completely honest I didn’t realise how much I hadn’t been coping until this very day.
With or without realising it (much to my own debate) I have been consistantly giving into my OCD. After a long period of time doing very well I decended into OCD mode fairly quickly, partly without realising it.
It starts off with one thing – A hand wash there, an avoidance there – and like an addict I’m hooked falling into old patterns that are as ingrained in my behaviour as my ability to breath.
A few things had been upsetting me leading to this point. One being the fact that I’m sorting out my university applications which as exciting as they are, are also terrifying. Another catalyst being an unhelpful conversation with a guidance counceller who meant well but accidently ended up voicing my insecurities. Also my driving instructer (who is old and nice) made a comment about autistic people having children who are autistic that made me feel low. Despite all these things, my lack of sleep, poor diet and my giving into my OCD made matters worse.
The thing that sent me over the edge however was my parents request that I tidy out a box of old school work after I’d had an OCD trigger. They had told me to clear out the box a day previously and I had been reluctant to an enormous degree but adding the OCD trigger on top well, I got angry and I got upset.
This led to an arguement with my parents and them (perhaps justly) saying I was acting like a baby. Maybe I was acting like a baby because I feel like one or maybe because I couldn’t communicate how I was feeling to the degree that would make them understand. Me not understanding my own emotions I’m guessing does not help either.
I of course, apologied a few hours later after making some monumentally stupid decisions even by my impressive standards. I snapped and took it out on my parents in an unfair way because I was angry that they were stopping me from feeding the OCD. Things are still understandly tense but no longer heated and we are all getting on good again.
However I do not feel good. I have to complete my personal statement. I need to get ready for bed and brush my teeth and hair. I have to wash my face and go to the toilet. I also have to ignore my OCD’s wishes tommorrow as I had been doing prior to my spiral which will not be easy. I often find dealing with OCD like a wax strip. If I face it all at once, It will perhaps hurt more at first but I’ll quickly get used to it as opposed to exposing myself to small triggers and having mini-panics. I’m an all or nothing kinda gal what can I say?
I will get ready for bed, work on my personal statement tommorrow and beat my OCD into submission by ignoring that voice that wants me to give in. It’s not going to be easy but I’ve done it before and I
can, no, I have to, do it again.