I’m having to drop Higher Chemistry at school and it hurts both my pride and my self-esteem.
It is a choice I have to make despite my feelings. I enjoyed chemistry last year but as with many other things this year, it’s changed. I don’t know if it’s my lack of intellegect, concentration or motivation that’s forcing me into this decision. Part of me wants to blame the autism or the OCD but I’m not convinced the two correlate, even if that would be prefereable to believe.
I always had the dream since being a little girl that I’d grow up to be this person who I long to be so much. This version of me that’s pretty, popular and clever, who doesn’t have mental health problems. This alternative-me was my greatest wish and hope but as I grew up I found that not only did not become her – I became her opposite.
This is my convoluted way of saying that I’m disappointed in myself. I hate giving up and quitting and that is exactly what I’m doing. I feel like a failure and it won’t matter how many times others tell me I’m not, I can’t help but feel like I am.
This alternative-me would be good at Higher Chemistry. She would’ve spent more time studying and training her brain rather than compulsively washing her hands untll they bleed. (I no longer do that.) Or maybe I would’ve always turned out like this regardless of autism and mental health problems.
So I’m quitting chemistry because I can’t or won’t do it. It’s become a chore and despite all this ( and the hope that I’d magically get it together in-time for the exam ) I still feel bad. I feel like a failure and it hurts that I’ve had to quit.
I want so desperately to be the dream of me. I want to be popular, clever and beautiful, with straight A’s and acedemic awards but I am none of those things.
So for now, I’ll just settle for being kind.